Grrr...

I'm bleeding internally again. It's been a rather rough few days. I finally took the dr up on his offer for drugs. I am completely overwhelmed and frustrated I don't know what to do. One of the drugs I got from the dr was adavan but I want to take it when I don't really have anything to do so if it knocks me out or I can't function then it's ok.

I'm really stressed about school too. I haven't really done anything mostly because I can't get into it. I don't want to be working my butt off all summer to do work I could be doing now. I need to give myself a break. I'm just a little lost. I've got a "date" with a friend in the library tomorrow so hopefully I'll get a lot of work done. That's how I would get work done at home. I had a friend I met in the library and we kept each other going. We'll see what happens.

More news: Things are so so with Brian. The first few days were amazing but then all the rest of it came right back. I don't know what this break did but I guess we are working on it.

Manic Moments

I haven't posted for a couple days first because my internet has been a little shoddy and second because I'm having quasi-manic moments. Ever since I had my fantasic day I've been working like a machine. I even stayed up till three in the morning the other night just to get my to-do list written and appropriatly posted right in front of my face so as not to forget that I shouldn't be watching tv. I don't think I'm physically ready for this gung-ho school work idea. I woke up feeling especially crappy today. I just haven't been able to get myself going. My INR is good, I haven't started any new meds, the only thing I have to blame it on is my manic school work mode.

I've also decided I need to find a different place to work. I end up cleaning my apartment during half of the work time. Granted I've run out of things to clean (ARG) so maybe that will help but I haven't gotten any papers turned in or anything to 'prove' the work I'm doing at the moment. I guess not the end of the world, work is getting done but still. I do have a desk I think I've used once since I mived into this place. Most of the time it's a dump all for all of my crap but of course all the crap was cleaned off during my BPD mania.

Anyway I'm going to go back to work, just wanted to let all of you avid fans (hahahaha) I hadn't fallen off the planet yet. Oh BTW, Brian and I are talking...taking it slow, but the fat lady has not sung yet.

FANTASTIC day...

Today has been a great day! Brian called last night and I had a good time talking to him. I fell asleep not worried about dying and made up for some of my sleep deprivation when I slept for 11 glorious hours.

I’ve been into this blog, postsecret.blogspot.com. There are books that I’ve been wanting to buy but I decided they were of the read at the bookstore type and have been wanting to do that for a few weeks. Today I went to Borders, right out of bed, in my sweats and dirty hair, got a coffee with LOTS of espresso and sat in one of the chairs you sink into so far you can’t see over. I read there for a few hours enjoying my coffee and then went and wandered the Target clearance racks (one of my fav things to do) and then wandered the $1 store cause I’ve never been in one.

When I went to my advisor yesterday her advice was to take a day for myself. Don’t worry about what I have to do or what is going on, just go out and do stuff I’ve been wanting to do. When she said that I thought she was crazy. I was thinking OMG, look at my To Do list. ARE YOU SERIOUS? She was right. Today was the best thing I could have done for myself. I need to remember this and do it more often. I’m so relaxed. I relaxed enough that I actually WANT to do some work (gasp!!!). So I’m going to do a little work and then I’m going to relax, make myself a drink and watch Gilmore Girls. Remind me of this a few months from now. SUCH a great day.

I'm not going to die in my sleep tonight...

First I want to talk about the fact that I just talked to Brian. We made a deal that if something were wrong I would call. I was THRILLED the last time we talked. He flirted with me! Things have been so focused on my being sick that I don't remember the last time we flirted. I was having a really hard time the last few days with this chest pain. I desperately needed his support and comfort, I called him.

I haven't slept in the last few days because I was scared that the chest pain was a clot and I was terrified of dying in my sleep. I needed a little of that best friend/boyfriend comfort only he can give. I wish he would have been there to cuddle me as I went to sleep. As soon as I heard the worry in his voice I burst into tears but of course because I don't know whether I have a boyfriend or not I wouldn't tell him why I was crying, he got snappy and got off the phone.

I'm worried we won't make it. All this medical crap hasn't been easy for him to deal with and it just keeps coming. What if he doesn't want to deal with me anymore? Maybe he's decided that we shouldn't get married.

BRING ON THE VALIUM.

So then I go to the dr for my INR and tell the nurse that I've been an idiot all weekend thinking I'm going to die in my sleep. She got all over me about not calling and ushered me in to see the dr. The dr says I have inflammation around the lining of my heart and an infection of the tissue in my lungs. I can't take the meds for it cause I'm taking Coumadin. OMG, WILL IT EVER END? So now my INR is 3.3, of course, too high. In the words of the dr, "the saga continues." Oh BTW, He did also reassure me that I wouldn't be dying in my sleep tonight.

IS THERE ANYMORE VALIUM?

To finish off my day I went to school to talk to my advisor about my school schedule that is now royally screwed up. Basically they said the classes that I had to drop this semester were prerequisites for the classes I want to take in the summer and the classes in the summer are prerequisites for the ones I want to take in the fall...I'm screwed. So now there is no way for me to take summer classes, not the end of the world but I'm also going to be in school a lot longer than planned. You have no idea how much that messes up.

All this comes together to say that it hasn't been a great day and I wish Brian was around. Now I'm worried about him not being around. I don't know how I'm going to do this.

NO MORE VALIUM? HOW ABOUT SOME VODKA?

Chest Pain AND I'm living with a druggie!!!

I'm still having pain in my chest which is still unnerving but sticking huge needles in my abdomen full of blood thinners is making me feel better about that. Maybe it's totally normal for people to have worries after they almost die of a medical complication but I'm so much more intuned to every ache pain and pinch in every part of my body. Part of me keeps saying I'm totally overreacting and another part of me says I have to be overreacting. It all just concerns me. I tell myself I'm overreacting but I also told Brian that when he practically dragged me to the ER when I had the Embolism. So I tell myself I should pay more attention and then I go back and forth and back and forth. If I don't stop I'm going to go crazy!!

So I am gonig to be living with a druggie this week. I live with a family. My bathroom is right beside the family room and the woman I live with is bringing home a druggie she used to work with that needs to go into a program but she can't get him into one until next week so she offered the family room couch next to my bathroom. Maybe AGAIN I'm overreacting but that is incredibly unsettling for me. There are a few more details I'm not going to get into but I'm a little frustrated with my living situation at the moment. I thought well, I'll just go to Brian's but he's coming home this week and we are taking a break and he hasn't called yet. I definitely thought he would call by now. I think I've turned into the pathetic girlfriend.

Chest Pain...

I feel like an over-reacting hypocondriac. I'm having pain in my chest, the exact pain that I was having when I went into the hospital and found I had a PE. I can't imagine that I have another one so I don't want to call the dr. The dr on call this weekend is from another practice. He doesn't know me at all so he's going to listen to me for all of two seconds before he sends me to the ER. I can't be in and out of the ER for the rest of my life. I'm sure it's just anxiety. Getting back into school work has really kinda nudged me over the edge. I'm supposed to register and do all these papers. I just don't even know where to start. I feel so behind and I don't know what to do. I'm reading and reading and just not getting the difference between relational therapy and psychodynamic therapy and what personhood is relational to God or any of that stuff. I feel like I've missed too much. Should I be in Grad school to begin with? I just don't know what to do with myself, so I've got a little anxiety going and I'm sure that's what the chest pain is but then there is this nagging voice in the back of my mind that says I should call the on call dr and see what he says and go to the ER if that's what he wants. It would definitley make me feel better to have Heparin go into my IV and watch my heart rate for a few hours and check my INR for the FIFTH time this week. But I can't do that all the time right? I can't do that for forever. I guess I just wish someone was around to notice whether I was ok or not. Although I have had my moments of crisis recently I do miss Brian and I'm not really sure what he's up to. I wish he were here. I don't know what I am going to do. I'm trying to sit here with a movie and a drink and relax but that's not really working for me at the moment. I'll give it a little while longer. I know this sounds ridiculous but my fear is that I relax, ignore the chest pain, and then die in my sleep. Who would ever know I was even dead? That's sad isn't it?

INR Re-check

Yesterday my INR had only raised to 1.2...enough to keep me out of the hospital but not enough to reduce risk of clotting. This causes me a lot of distress. It really scares me to think of all the things that could happen but at the same time I can't live my life in fear. I got snowed in while I was at work yesterday so I just spent the night there. It also gave me the peace of mind that someone would notice if something happened, peace of mind that I don't have tonight. It was so nice to spend the night at work though. The girls got up a few times and I got up with them. They are so cute and cuddly when they wake up at night. I didn't want to put them back down. They haven't been that cuddly and content just laying in my arms since they were just a couple months old. I just love that. I should spend the night there more often. Although I'm exhausted for it today.

I'm trying to get some work done. I'm writing a paper on how the Salem Witch Trials affected the church. It's really hard to concentrate. I've never seen this much snow at once in my life, I want to play. I'm also tired cause I stayed up cuddling the girls too long and I really don't want to do school right now. I'm tired. I need some time off. I know it seems that I've had a lot of time off but its all filled with dr appts stress about INRs, arguing with Brian about my independence and all the rest of the junk I've been dealing with lately. Wouldn't it be nice if you could just pause all the worlds problems for a while? Take a vacation from life? I want one of those. So I'm having a hard time motivating myself to get caught up because I'm looking at all of these things and realizing that this is not going to be over for a LONG time. Oh well, what are you going to do. I have to get some of this work done and writing this was just another great procrastination.

I'm Scared

My INR is .99. I'm flipping out a little. I compromised with my doctor, when he told me I would have to go to the hospital he didn't realize I had family in town so we compromised that I would stay home tonight and get my INR again tomorrow. I guess since he's willing to compromise with me he isn't overly concerned that I'm going to drop dead of a clot tonight but it's still unnerving. I like my INR to be even higher than what the drs like so maybe I'm over-compensating. I felt really crappy today and had decided to up my beta blockers tomorrow but I guess an INR that low could make me feel yucky in and of itself so maybe I'll give it a few days before I up the beta blockers. I was an emotional wreck before all this happened so I don't even want to talk about what I am now. Check on me in an hour, I'll be curled in a fetal position in a corner with a blanket over my head.

Password Protect Part 2

I think I may have been a little hasty in deciding I needed to password protect. There were several things that came together and made me feel that way but I think I may have worked them out. I haven't really decided what I'm going to do about it yet but the situation isn't as immanent as originally thought. I honestly made this blog because when I was released from the hospital I had absolutely no clue what to expect and I was hoping to create something someone could go to and get an idea of what to expect. This also gives me an outlet to be a complete neurotic and talk about hugging shampoo bottles, something I would NEVER tell my friends. Password Protecting makes me feel like there is no point because someone couldn't come across it and get an idea of what they are in for. I don't do well with journals because I feel they are pointless, for me, not for people in general. Password protecting takes that away from me too. However there are a few things that are going on at the moment that seem to override my decision not to. I don't know how this is going to work yet but I've worked out an at least temporary solution.

I locked my sister and myself out of Brian's apartment today and ended up having to talk to him. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was for me. I'm so worried about us. I have no idea if we're ok or if he's already decided to get rid of me within five minutes of his arrival back home. I realized a few days ago that he was reading my blog and getting info about what I was up to, feeling and deciding so he probably isn't as tense as I am, not knowing what he's up to, feeling and deciding. I asked him to quit reading it and I trust him so I figure it's ok to write if that's what I want.

I think part of my emotional trauma at the moment is that my doctor has concerns about my INR and internal bleeding. Brian has been my rock through all this and I need a hug from my best friend. My INR is only 1.2. This is WAAAY too low. My dr has concerns about another clot developing during this time so is tripling my Coumadin. If it isn't where it's supposed to be tomorrow morning when he checks my INR then he wants me on Lovenox. Lovenox were the injections I had to put in my abdomin for about a month after the clot. They also were what caused the internal bleeding that was the source of several of my ER visits. Because of this, if my INR isn't high enough tomorrow I'm going to be admitted to the hospital. I've got quite a few emotions about that running through me. I'm overly frustrated. I wish Brian were here but I guess that's why he needs a break from me to begin with, huh? I also feel like this is all comsuming my life. I'm so tired of medical crap being my first concern. The cardiologist I saw last week thought I was a med student because I knew so much, I know so much because I've been through so much. I want to be informed about my health, I need to know these things, keep track of them and understnad the questions to ask but geez. Enough is enough. I feel guilty saying that though. What about all those people out there who know they are dying of cancer for three years, three years of drs, medicines, side effects, internal bleeding, worrying about getting sick, forgetting meds on trips, talking to drs every day etc etc. I should be thankful that this is only temporarily permanent instead of permanent. I feel so ungrateful saying I've had enough but I have. I'm ready to start school work, irritating group projects and workingout, although I will complain about those as soon as I start them again. I'm also worried about school because I'm supposed to register tomorrow. I don't know what to register for, who with, how much I can handle or anything. I gave up my internship for this semester, can I start it this summer? fall? what am I supposed to do? I can't get this semester done before it ends so how am I going to finish this semester and the summer sessions at the same time. So then do I wait and just start again in the fall? That puts me pretty significantly behind. GRRRR. HUMPH, I'm going to bed.

Password Protect

For several reasons I can't get into at the immediate moment I'm having to password protect my blog. Those of you who are reading this, please send me an email and I'd be happy to put you on my buddy list and give you the password. I hate doing this because I really want people to benefit from my blog but things have arisen that made me feel that this is the only solution. Even if I don't know you, please feel free to email me for the password!

I've lost my sister...

Today has been a good day so far. I think the hair is going to have to grow on me. I don't abhor it but I'm not loving it either. You know what I think is really cool though? You know how on those reality make-over shows people come in with this huge head of hair, the stylist puts it in a ponytail and cuts it all off? I've always thought that was a little over-dramatic and unnecessary but they actually do it that way. I was surprised but it is unnerving to watch these long lengths of hair fall to the floor so I guess it's better to do it that way for those of us who have emotional connections to our hair.

The girls have been sleeping all day again. I guess I can't complain but I miss playing with them! I did wake them up to take them to get my INR but they passed out in the stroller and went right back to bed when we got home. We were going to go to go see my brother tomorrow but I think he bailed so I was going to stay here another day but Steph can't sleep at my apartment. The people who live upstairs have a daughter home for spring break and she was up till 3am and then someone was up at 5am. It sounds like a heard of elephants to someone who doesn't sleep there often. No offense to my sister, she doesn't do well when she doesnt get sleep...I've made an executive decision: we're going to Brian's anyway! So she decided if we're going to Brian's she wants to go like now well I am still at work so she decided to go home and pack up her stuff so we could leave from here. I wrote out the directions wrong...OOPS! Next thing you know she's on the phone yelling at me cause she's scared and lost; totally my fault!But I couldn't figure out where the heck she was so Cori, my boss, had to get on the phone with her and give her directions. She's home now though and packing up. I'm sure I'll see her in the next little while. I can't tell what the weather is going to do maybe we'll go back into town, we have some returns from the assanine amount of money we spent earlier. I'm about to return $70 so that will make me feel better I think. I love what it is I'm returning but I really don't need it and I'm also going to return a linen skirt I bought. I love it but it's a little see-through and I hate slips. My sister knows that I don't really care it people see my undies through the skirt or not...why should I care, I'm wearing clothes, they can't call it indecent exposure but anyway she thinks I should return it. I probably should.

Steph is back and is apparently unscathed. I'm going to need to get her out of here and home I think. I feel bad for her. My living situation isn't exactly wonderful. She asked me yesterday if I would still do the same thing if I could do it again. You know, I really can't answer that. I don't want to live on campus, it's too geared towards kids and families, both of which I'm desperate for neither of which I have. The singles more or less get swept under the carpet. But I really don't live where I live. It is better then It used to be because I've gotten more used to walking through their dinner to use the bathroom and it doesn't wake me up as much anymore when they pound their way through at 3am but I'm still not thrilled about it. Brian and I are most definitley not getting married when we thought if at all which other than the obvious upsets I'm not moving out when I thought which sucks too.

ANYWAY, moving right along, I'm ready to take a nap myself. It's time to go back to Brian's and get in pjs.

New Hair-Do

Fuff and I got our hair cut today. Neither of us walked out liking our hair so we went to town on each others hair. There is something unsettling about watching your sister come at you with a pair of scissors with this disturbed smile on her face. Either way I like it much better now that she's had her way with it. Although I think I'll like it even more tomorrow after I wash it and style it.

This turkey situation at school is getting ridiculous. I have chosen to spare all of you the exact details but suffice it to say that it is apparently turkey mating season so the turkeys are severly misbehaving themselves. My mom would most definitley take a nickel away from their cups! They thought it would be in their benefit to peck at a child. Of Course it was that child's mother's fault that her kid got pecked at, she totally recieved an email telling her not to let her child out alone and yet another telling her to not to take him out in a stroller. Although at some point my motherly instincts start up and I want to know how many kids have to be pecked at before we just shoot the good-for-nothing turkeys!! Oh well, what are you going to do?

We are going to work tomorrow, going to Brian's and then going into town. Busy day! I've had nothing but busy days since Steph got here. I think I'm doing much better. I think maybe I've run out of excuses not to do school work:(

Safety Blanket

Nana nana booboo, I have a safety blanket! HAHA!!! I'm still sniffing the shampoo bottle but I'm not hugging it anymore;) Brian has a sweatshirt that I latched onto a while back. On bad days I wear it and it makes me feel good, other nights I sleep with it. A couple weeks ago he pried it out of my hot little hands cause he was cold...can you believe that? It was only -10 he should suck it up right?;) Anyway, he took it away and I haven't gotten it back yet...until yesterday!!! I saw him with it while he was packing so I never even looked for it when I was looking for something of his the other day but I changed his sheets and it was by the sheets. Guess who has the sweatshirt now buddy!!

I felt like I was finally loosing a little bit of my southern drawl. Let me tell you, northerners look at you funny when you come out with a big fat YA'LL. Well now my sis is in town and and my southern drawl is feeding off of hers...oh well. Those northerners are just going to have to look at me funny. I'm southern born and bred, what are you going to do?

Today is the day I'm going to go chop my hair off. I'm loosing my guts. This morning I was blowdrying it and thinking, my hair is kinda pretty. I don't really want to chop it off. But the other part of me thinks, man, forget chop, SHAVE!!! We'll see. I'm thinking I'll be chopping.

I was so excited to see the girls this morning. I feel like it's been forever. But as soon as I got here they wanted to go to bed. They've been sleeping ever since. NO FUN.

I think I'm getting much better. Yesterday my sister and I went into town and walked from one side to the other from 10-6 then we went back to Brian's, packed up and came to my house and then went shopping. I spent WAAAAAAY too much money. But I got really cute stuff. I'm sure that the budget will understand how cute the things were that I spent money on when I'm already in red and the month isn't even half over. Anyway, after all this, I was tired but I was ok and still got up this morning for work. I was actually thinking about going to class tomorrow but my professor broke his leg and is in the hospital so all classes were cancelled this week. It's the thought that counts isn't it?

Fuffie!!!!

My sister is in town...Yeaeaeaea! We had a great day but exhaustion doesn't even begin to cover it. I slept for three hours this afternoon which makes me feel bad cause she just sat around but I feel a little better now for it so I guess it will benefit her tomorrow. We met my brother for lunch at Applebee's. He bought a GREAT truck yesterday. It's SO nice.

Okay so I don't really like Applebee's...that's a little too nice...I HATE Applebee's but my sister and I were hungry and we were at Target which is next door so we went I thought, hey, it's a big menu right? I can find SOMETHING. Nope. Didn't like it. Maybe next time I should just stick to appetizers, those looked pretty good. Steph had the Caesar salad which I ended up being most of my lunch, it wasn't bad. My boss makes homemade Caesar dressing which is FABULOUS so Applebee's didn't really live up... Oh well. Tomorrow we are going into town. I'm excited about that. I can show her around and the places Brian and I go etc. I miss Brian.

I think Fuff and I picked out a good haircut for me. I went to buy hairdye today but I couldn't find one that really stuck with me. Maybe that's a sign. I'm not really dying to do it, it just seems exotic and I'm ready for a change, something exciting. Maybe if it weren't semi-permanent I would try it but I've never been dissatisfied with my hair color. Actually I like my hair color. It's just the excitement that sort of change brings and the desire to feel attractive and good about myself. So I probably won't do it anyway.

I am so tired. I'm going to bed.

Maybe Bi-Polar Disorder is the next thing I should investigate...

I didn't sleep well at all last night. First, I was waiting for Brian to call and tell me his flight got in ok which didn't happen until 1am, my betime is 10. Then I finally fell asleep and kept waking up with these night sweats. They were really bad. I've never had anything like that before. I went through several different pairs of pjs and the sheets were soaking. I didn't realize until this morning that I sweat right through the sheets into the mattress pad. So I think maybe I got about two hours of sleep. Maybe that's playing a part in my state at the moment.

I woke up at five and couln't go back to sleep. I had this feeling, you know when you want to cry SOOO bad and you can feel it right there in your throat and you know if you could just sit down and go through a whole box of kleenex you'd feel so much better but you just can't do it no matter how hard you try? That's how I've felt all morning. I miss him and it's different this time because things are so ambiguous between us at the moment. Then on top of that, you know how when things happen and you just need to talk to your best friend? You can hear everything is ok a hundred times before but you just need to cry and vent on your best friend just to know it's true? Brian is my best friend. He's the one I go to when I have a fight with my mom, when my medical bills get high and I'm overwhelmed, when I find out there's something wrong with my body YET AGAIN, when I fail a test, when I don't know what to do and every other problem you need a best friend to console you over. Part of me feels this great loss, I have other friends, I can talk to them but it's just not the same as hearing it from my best friend. The other part of me wonders if I'm crazy, co-dependent and should just get over it and do something else. You want to know how pathetic I am? I just wanted to curl up in bed and take a nap and be able to smell him, my sister does that and I thought maybe it would help. I went through his closet, his dirty clothes, his drawers, and it just didn't smell like him, I gave up. Then I went to the bathroom and noticed his shampoo in the shower. I smelled it and immediately the dam broke. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I do feel better after having a good cry but I'm also sitting in bed cuddling a shampoo bottle instead of my sisters infamous t-shirt, sweatshirt or teddy bear. Is this normal?

Oh things just got beter. He just called. His opening line? "I know I'm not supposed to call, but I need help" Here I'm thinking, he forgot something at home, he needs it mailed. Nope. "The airport lost my luggage, what color suit should I buy" What?!?! Yes, it's true. So now I've started sobbing all over again. I'm his best friend too. The friend he calls when the airport looses his luggage and he doesn't know what suit to buy, when he's having a problem at work and needs to vent, when he doesn't know if he should change the shower head or leave the one that's in there, when he's not sure if he should take a job or not, when his mom is being a you-know-what and he wants to make rude, crude and socially unacceptable comments about her. Again, is this normal?

My sister comes in today. Sisters are like best friends in the way that it doesn't matter when you talk or how you talk, they are always there when you call. She'll know if it's normal.

Turkey Update...

You know, I don't have any reason to think that ANYONE is reading this but I'm going to pretend. For those of you who may or may not extst who may or may not be interested I just got this Turkey update from school.

Following are the agencies which Campus Safety has contacted regarding our uninvited guests:

We have been in conversation with the Animal Control Officer in Hamilton (not PETA as originally reported) and the Massachusetts Division of Fisheries and Wildlife to determine the appropriate manner by which to deal with this wildlife in order to ensure the safety of our students and their families.

The turkeys have become very aggressive, so we are asking mothers not to take your children out in strollers. If you see the turkeys outside your building doors, please call Campus Safety.

We will keep you posted on what action will be taken and by which agency.


You would think by these emails that Grad school is a walk in the park and we're all idiots with an IQ of 5...just makes me laugh.

Getting back to normal

I am full of a mix of emotions today. Part of me is full of joy and elation, the other part is sad and in need of validation.

I went to the cardiologist today. My heart rate was 72 and he said I was ok. Part of me just knew I was getting better. I was feeling better and able to do more. I just needed to exhaust all possibility and know without a doubt that everything is ok. I walked out of the cardiologist feeling like I was walking on clouds. Hundreds of pounds were lifted off my shoulders. I bought a pair of pants the other day and wore them to the appt. I felt good about myself, maybe even a little sexy (GASP!). Then I went to the mall next door with a gift certificate and bought something else that made me feel good. The cardiologist told me I could slowly begin to work out again which made me feel like I was on my way to being skinny and feeling good again. I'm just ecstatic that my sister is coming in town tomorrow so then I went to buy some stuff for her. I can't even begin to express the feeling I had. I felt like I was floating and free, free of medical restrictions and everything. I so wish I could recreate it. On top of that Brian and I had an amazing time last night. He packed and when he was done we cuddled on the couch without tv or anything and just talked and laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I don't remember the last time we did that. It reminded me of what I was fighting for and gave me the sense that I was doing the right thing fighting for it. It just topped off my day, one of those roll the windows down (if it weren't like -25 degrees outside of course), blare the music and sing at the top of your lungs kind of days.

Then I got home and Brian called and I was rudely reminded that last night most certainly did not fix everything and make it happily-ever-after. It totally brought me speeding out of the clouds and crashing down to earth. I realized I can't live like this. I want to be able to share these things with the man I marry, not hide from him. Not that I'm hiding from Brian, it's just everytime we talk we fight. I know it's a good idea for us not to talk while he's on his business trip, it will give us both time to think, time for the air to clear etc so that when he comes back we can have a fresh start to talk and figure things out. So then came my realization that this is good. I've been physically and emotionally dependent on Brian through all of this. We have become one person. These weeks are going to allow us to become two people again. I don't want this to sound callous but I have a few weeks that I don't have to worry about checking in or making sure someone else is ok with me staying up late or not doing the laundry when I say I am. Furthermore, I don't have to ask about getting my haircut which BTW, I'm thinking of a Meg Ryan You've Got Mail kind of look, you know, "I'm so cool I don't even brush my hair kind of look" although I'll never have the balls to do it.

Brian has done an EMENSE amount of things for me. I have not had any unmet needs while I've been sick, but I've been sick and I need a break. If he were in town I would want to try to make it up to him while I was feeling better in the meantime exhausting myself because I'm doing too much. This is freedom. This is time for me. This is ok. I'm terrified of loosing him but I think this is what we need. I think Brian feels the same way, he just doesn't want to say it and risk hurting my feelings, opening himself up for another fight...I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune the day after tomorrow, remind me I said this ok?

Hair cut

OK I have an idea for the hair cut...I'm still processing but for the moment this is what I'm playing with except I want it a little shorter and piecier (is that a word?) But I'm also thinking maybe I might like a few auburn highlights. Not so many that you can tell, just enough to highlight the auburn thats already there. I'll probably get over that pretty soon but for the moment this is it. oh but there's one pic I almost forgot about...ok blogger has difficulty loading pics or maybe I have trouble using it but either way, the second thought is the brunette. I think it's more or less the same haircut, styled differently.

I have a cardiology appt tomorrow, the most irritating part of it is getting there. Technically I'm not supposed to be driving but I don't have a way to get there otherwise so I have to drive myself. I drove around a little in 35 mph areas today just to make sure I was comfortable doing it. It was fine so I-95 is my next feat.

Well I'm exhausted. I can't wait to go to bed. I'm still helping Brian pack (yeah I know, more on that later.)

Feeling better might just suck

Today I don't feel so hot and since there is nothing else going on in my life to worry about etc (HEH) It must just be the Beta Blockers. You know I thought feeling better was going to improve things but now I'm just worried about other stuff. School, Brian, work, friends, God, I feel fat, can't work out etc etc etc. Does that make me a discontented person? Does it make me miserable to be around? I just got an email from a friend. She said my feisty spirit amazes her. Is that a veiled critique? I feel like I'm at a place in my life that I'm ready for some change, like personal change althought I'm going to start with a major hair change when my sis gets in town;) I think it's time to do a few new things. I'm hoping the cardiologist will tell me I can drive and work out and I'll go workout and try to meet some people. I think that going back and forth to Brians every weekend is going to have to stop. First, it's exhausting. Second, when I'm at Brian's over the weekend I don't do school work and I don't meet people. I need for that to change. I'm concerned that will take a toll on our relationship but not to sound careless but there are several many tolls on our relationship at the moment, what's one more. I want to have friends, get in my cute, skinny jeans over the weekend and go out. I don't want to lay on the couch all weekend anymore. I want to feel good about myself. I'm going to get a cute haircut, loose weight and meet people that will go out with me in their skinny jeans. I need to make an ENORMOUS dent in my school work. I need to bunker down with a healthy alternative to pizza bites and soda for the caffiene and pull a few all nighters. Maybe you haven't picked this up by now but I don't do well with change and this is a lot of change. I am a little excited but I'm also scared. You know it's like butterflies in your stomach plus some nausea. What started this you might ask...

I can't really go into details because it involves Brian and he's a pretty private person but all this starting over stuff kinda put the seed in my brain but something happened today that just pushed me over the edge and I realized that I can't do the things the way I do them anymore. I have to make some changes because there are some HUGE changes coming and I won't survive them without having something to lean back on. I'm at a critical point in my life where something has to happen. An old friend of mine used to say "I'm at a crossroad and I HAVE to choose one or I'm going to drive off the cliff." I'm at my crossroad and if I don't pick right or left I'm going to end up in the Atlantic.

Another day on Beta Blockers

OK well I just wrote this amazingly long post and somehow I lost it...that SUCKS. Well, attempt number two!

I upped my dose of Beta Blockers today which may have been a mistake because I'm not feeling so hot today but at the same time I was up most of the night last night worrying so that might have had a little to do with it as well. I'll try a few more days on the higher dose before I go back down. My doctor emailed me to check on how I was doing on them...VERY impressive!!! I couldn't change my cardiology appt so my mom could go but I think my brother may be able to take me. Hopefully he will tell me it's ok to drive. If he doesn't I'm up a creek without a paddle.

My mom and I took the girls to the coffee shop today and they were great. Just sat in their stroller and let us drink coffee, politely smiling at the strangers who got in their faces to talk to them. When people see me out with them they assume I'm their mom and they want to know if they're twins. My response...No, they're monkeys, would you like them to juggle for you? So they've been great...I just love these girls!



I also think I made a friend at the coffee shop which is great because I've lacked some friends recently. She's actually moving to my hometown in May. Maybe she'll stay in my old bedroom. I also sent a girl I met right before I dropped out an email just to say hi. She offered to come over and just hang out which is also fantastic because she's taking the classes I dropped out of so maybe she can help me get organized while she's here. She also offered to drive me to a church some of the seminary guys started. I may go with her. It kinda gets lonely when you're just laying around all the time especially since I won't be back and forth to Brian's all the time.



I'm trying to see this whole break thing with Brian as a good thing, more time to work, more time to make friends, maybe time for church etc. But it is a LOT harder than I expected it to be and it hasn't technically started yet. I think maybe part of it might be that I was engaged a few years ago and he just broke up with me out of the blue. This is kinda reminding me of all that and if that weren't enough I'm terrified that it's going to happen again. I can't imagine not sharing my life with Brian.



My brothers fiance came in town this afternoon. They came this afternoon to see both me and my mom. It was nice for him to be around. I'm also really excited for my sister to come in town Friday. It has been a long time since the three of us have been together let alone by ourselves. I think it will be a lot of fun to have her around and spend some one on one time with her. This picture is one of our nights out all together. This was such a fantastic night. Brian couldn't come with us that night. He was studying for the CPA exam. This is all of us (except Brian) from the top it is me, Travis and Samantha (my brother and his fiance), and Stephanie and Michael (my sister and her boyfriend). I really enjoy these nights that we all go out together. They are so much fun!


On another note, this is an email I got from school today:

Last week we sent out an email informing you about the need to be careful when you spot the wild turkeys (please see below). Reports indicate that they are quite aggressive, so we are working with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) to hunt the turkeys (not with fire arms). Please do not leave your children outside unsupervised.

Following is the email which was sent last week regarding this matter:

As many of you have noted, there is a group of wild turkeys who have made our campus their home. Recently we have received reports that some of these turkeys are becoming quite aggressive. Campus Safety is researching our options for coping with this situation and will provide a more comprehensive response to the campus community shortly. In the meantime, please use caution encountering the wild turkeys – do not engage them, run after them or provoke them.

I about peed my pants after reading this. Don't let you're kids outside people, they might get attacked by turkeys or caught in a turkey trap!!!

Beta Blockers are my FRIEND...

Well, today is the third day in a row that I feel pretty good. Coincidentally, this is also the third day I've taken Beta Blockers. I think I see a pattern...how about you? So now that I feel like I have seen a pattern I'm finally starting to look into doing some school work. I think that was a mistake because now I'm so overwhelmed.

My sister is coming in town for a week on Friday which I'm SOOOOOO excited about but then it makes me overwhelmed because I know I'm not going to get any work done but it seems to me that now that I've missed the first six weeks of school it shouldn't really matter right? I'm so behind...what is another week? I'm also having a hard time getting into the grove of work which could present a problem. I'm trying to see this break Brian and I are taking as a good thing too. I can spend all the time I'd be talking to him or dragging my butt through the commuter train to see him doing work...of course I know I won't, but I could;)

Better Day

Today was a much better day. I think these Beta Blockers really are helping. My mom and I went all the way into town and wandered around most of the day, met Brian and went to the market. I came home feeling like I was going to hit the floor at any second but that's a heck of a lot more than I was able to do even a few days ago so there's a huge improvement. But then there's also the idea that Brian and I stayed up till 1am last night trying to figure out how we were going to work things out.

I bought some really cute pjs at H&M, not like I couldn't have clothed an army in pjs before but you can never have to many;) Otherwise there wasn't really anything I wanted to buy so I did pretty well. I could have spent a fortune at Borders but that's not unusual. We had a great lunch of fish and chips. Fish and chips aren't the same down south as they are up here. My mom was raised in Canada and LOVES fish and chips. They used to eat it all the time so coming up here to visit of course we had to get fish and chips. We will probably eat it again tomorrow too...sounds good already;)

Well, Brian's back from the store with makings for some wonderful chicken and seafood dish he's going to make. Sounds Good!!

This is getting REALLLLY old

Well, after yet another Dr appt today I'm now on Beta Blockers...great. More medications...that's exactly what I need. I finally have a cardiologist after asking for a reference for forever now. Oh well what are you going to do. So now my relationship sucks, My heart is freaking out and now I have yet ANOTHER Dr to keep track of. I feel like such a complainer and I know that there are people out there, maybe even reading this that have it much worse that I and I have no clue how they handle it either. This totally changes your life. Like I have a cardiology appt on Thurs but because of my arrhythmia (the reason I need a cardiologist) I can't drive to the appt. I have no family in town and all my friends are in class at that time. How the heck am I supposed to get there? This is just so hard and I feel like such a selfish b*&#% because everything is about me but I'm just yucky so I can't really function otherwise to make it not about me. It's so easy to fall into feeling sorry for yourself all the time. Can you tell I'm struggling to stay out of that rut at the moment? It's just been a long few days and the fact that Brisn and I are dealing with a lot of tension at the moment just kinda tops it off. I'm used to being able to turn to him and lean on him and I don't feel like that's much of an option at the moment. I need him so badly. He's amazing and he's been here from day one. Honestly I'm just so exhausted at the moment that I just don't care. Ok I do care but I just don't have the energy to do something about it. OK I'm taking myself into a pathetic state so I'm going to go get a drink...Heh, I wish.

....And the Fun Continues

So I woke up this morning and my heart rate was higher than it was last night. I went into the dr and mine was out sick so I had to see a new one. The Dr thought that I had a second clot. Second clots are REALLY bad. It means that drugs don't control the clotting, surgery is the next option to put a filter in your lung to prevent future clots. So he sent me immediatley to get a CT, I walked right in and they were waiting for me. When was the last time you walked into a hospital and they were waiting for you?...freaked me out! Then at the end the first nurse told me she thought she saw a clot but needed to get a dr. I went to get dressed and another nurse came in and told me I could go. I asked her if it was clear and she just looked at me and walked away. I thought for sure I had another clot. I spent the next four hours waiting for the dr to call a nervous wreck. Finally he called. He has no idea why I'm tacacardic but I don't have another clot...crisis averted! So it was a complete emotional drain of a day but at least I don't have another clot.