You know those nights where you just can't get your mind to stop? I think the emotions have kinda been building up this week and I let today get to me.
On Sunday I went back to the church I grew up in. I haven't walked through those doors in almost 12 years. I left a lot of skeletons there. I cried through the whole service, was kind of in a daze for a few hours after and then was just done with it. The thing is, I don't know why I was crying. I was kinda numb. I didn't feel anything but was crying anyway. Maybe I'm making it more of a deal than it should be. I've just never felt safe in church since I left there and I'm not sure I would ever be able to settle in there without advocating for myself but I don't know what that would look like. It doesn't matter now anyway. I think this has kinda been brewing in the back of my mind this week and thinking of going back for the next two weeks and Christmas Eve is not especially exciting. At the same time church has always been 'family time' and I'm not giving up on it either. Whatever.
So I've wanted this job for several months now and I had the interview today which either went extremely well or was a train wreck. I don't know. This is weighing on me though. It's over. There's nothing I can do about it now so I shouldn't stress but I'm SO anxious.
Then there's the guy I was pretty serious about that put some things up on FB that didn't give me warm fuzzies. It really has nothing to do with him or the fact that he has a crazy new girlfriend as much as he has a girlfriend and I'm alone. Let's then talk about the 250 people I grew up with that are now wandering around this town with spouse and child in tow. It's a constant and not so fun reminder. And, can I just say, if one more person says to me that I'm alone but I'm going to be a Dr and they aren't, I think I'll have a public temper tantrum including kicking, screaming and arm flailing. Contrary to popular belief, the two CAN, in fact, coexist. That's what rich men are for right?
I know none of it is really that big a deal, I think I just need to deal with it all and I'm not really sure how to do it at the moment. Jobs and loniliness have been a pretty constant stress recently. There's not anything I can do about either of them than what I'm already doing. I just have to wait and let God do what He's going to do with it. Regardless, it's hard for me to just walk away and forget it exsists in my life. I'm constantly obsessing. So these two things kinda come to a head today, I have to face them both while in the back of my mind I'm still trying to deal with the church thing. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Right now, I'm dealing with insomnia and venting...doesn't really get me very far. I just need to sleep. Things will be better in the morning. Xanax anyone?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
OK, Maybe not
As the count of mistresses coming out of the woodwork, claiming to have slept with Tiger rises, I have to say what I said in my last post is less than accurate. I still stand by what I said, I believe that to be true. I just don't think it applies to Tiger in any way, shape or form. I think we're at 15 now but I'm not completely sure. Regardless, this is not a man who made one mistake and is trying to move on, this is a man that continuously sought out affairs over the last several years. He is obviously not the man that anyone believed him to be.
So this 'vacation' hasn't gone as I expected it would. I thought I would have a significant amount of time to study and pull things together to get ready for licensing exams and school next semester. There actually hasn't been a lot of time for that. It's really been one thing after another. I have really enjoyed being home. It makes me realize how much I miss it which isn't so great cause I was miserable before.
I think I 'rediscovered' my best friend the few days before I left. It was really nice actually. I think that will help. I met him 9 years ago this month and started visiting him in FL soon after. His house is familiar and more comforting than I expected it to be. I was actually really surprised at how safe and comforting it felt to be there. I guess its that I know it. It's really the only place in FL that I knew previous to moving.
I know that sometime soon FL will feel more like home. Part of me looks forward to that cause I desperately want a place where I feel I belong. On the other hand, it will never be home and I don't really want to ever feel that FL is home. I guess this isn't the best situation to be in or put myself in really. I'm not really sure what to do about it though. I guess just let it slide.
Whatever the case may be, it's just a few years. I can get through it.
So this 'vacation' hasn't gone as I expected it would. I thought I would have a significant amount of time to study and pull things together to get ready for licensing exams and school next semester. There actually hasn't been a lot of time for that. It's really been one thing after another. I have really enjoyed being home. It makes me realize how much I miss it which isn't so great cause I was miserable before.
I think I 'rediscovered' my best friend the few days before I left. It was really nice actually. I think that will help. I met him 9 years ago this month and started visiting him in FL soon after. His house is familiar and more comforting than I expected it to be. I was actually really surprised at how safe and comforting it felt to be there. I guess its that I know it. It's really the only place in FL that I knew previous to moving.
I know that sometime soon FL will feel more like home. Part of me looks forward to that cause I desperately want a place where I feel I belong. On the other hand, it will never be home and I don't really want to ever feel that FL is home. I guess this isn't the best situation to be in or put myself in really. I'm not really sure what to do about it though. I guess just let it slide.
Whatever the case may be, it's just a few years. I can get through it.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tiger vs Elin
If you found out your spouse were having an affair, would you beat his car with a golf club?
I think I'm more of a passive aggressor than the golf club swinging type. One expects stories like these to come out about the less than virtuous celebrities but this one was a shock to me. Call me naive, overly trusting, or just plain stupid but I still want to believe that good man *DO* exist. Tiger puts on a good show, on the course and now apparently, off as well. One of my favorite marriage and family therapy books is about how good people have affairs and "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not necessarily as tried and true as one might think. Sometimes people make mistakes and find themselves in a place they never expected or wanted. I'm not condoning this in any way, shape, or form but I'm reading a lot about how terrible men are in light of this story. I have to say I still have hope, it's depleting, but hope none the less.
In no way am I suggesting this is OK or that I wouldn't be angry enough to destroy a car with a golf club but I think my view on this matter is different than most. I won't take all day to explain it but mistakes are forgivable.
Maybe I should shine a light on my current predicament. I just came home from spending a week camping with my recently wed sister and my newly empty nesting parents. Fifth wheel does not even express a tenth of what that meant to me. I'm certainly not desperate and I believe my recent dating habits would be proof of that, but I am desperately yearning for something more. I sit here thinking, I am way over my head in ten things and just overall life in general. What I wouldn't give to have support and someone to corroborate with and lean on. I don't need help. I'm a big girl and I've been doing it on my own for a while. It would just be nice to have someone there. I'm totally over this "single life is cool" phase. I'm also not in a place where I want to settle just so these needs are met. I want something real.
Four years of classes on marriage make me smart enough to know that no relationship is perfect. I can sit here all day long and piously declare I'll never have an affair but I'm not perfect. I can mostly guarantee that I won't have an affair but I can also mostly guarantee I'll make some other huge mistake over the course of my marriage. That doesn't make any of it ok by any means but I think there is a difference between a man who has a rocky marriage and strays unintentionally and one that repeatedly, without fail, searches for extramarital affairs.
Now, I'm not 'in' on what really happened between Tiger and Elin but what if Tiger Woods is a man that made one mistake and is desperately trying to rectify it for the sake of his family? What if we the public, are denying him his right to privacy and in the process annihilating any chance of redemption? I know there are plenty of arguments to go along with that starting with, they live in the public eye, but really, does that make it ok? I don't think it does. I think he has a right to ask that his privacy be respected and I think it should be. I don't think it will be, but I'm just one person and can't do anything about that.
At the end of the day, I've been watching Tiger for the past few years and haven't seen much questionable behavior. Can't we forgive him just this once? I promise, he does it again and I'll string him up, right along with the rest of you.
I think I'm more of a passive aggressor than the golf club swinging type. One expects stories like these to come out about the less than virtuous celebrities but this one was a shock to me. Call me naive, overly trusting, or just plain stupid but I still want to believe that good man *DO* exist. Tiger puts on a good show, on the course and now apparently, off as well. One of my favorite marriage and family therapy books is about how good people have affairs and "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not necessarily as tried and true as one might think. Sometimes people make mistakes and find themselves in a place they never expected or wanted. I'm not condoning this in any way, shape, or form but I'm reading a lot about how terrible men are in light of this story. I have to say I still have hope, it's depleting, but hope none the less.
In no way am I suggesting this is OK or that I wouldn't be angry enough to destroy a car with a golf club but I think my view on this matter is different than most. I won't take all day to explain it but mistakes are forgivable.
Maybe I should shine a light on my current predicament. I just came home from spending a week camping with my recently wed sister and my newly empty nesting parents. Fifth wheel does not even express a tenth of what that meant to me. I'm certainly not desperate and I believe my recent dating habits would be proof of that, but I am desperately yearning for something more. I sit here thinking, I am way over my head in ten things and just overall life in general. What I wouldn't give to have support and someone to corroborate with and lean on. I don't need help. I'm a big girl and I've been doing it on my own for a while. It would just be nice to have someone there. I'm totally over this "single life is cool" phase. I'm also not in a place where I want to settle just so these needs are met. I want something real.
Four years of classes on marriage make me smart enough to know that no relationship is perfect. I can sit here all day long and piously declare I'll never have an affair but I'm not perfect. I can mostly guarantee that I won't have an affair but I can also mostly guarantee I'll make some other huge mistake over the course of my marriage. That doesn't make any of it ok by any means but I think there is a difference between a man who has a rocky marriage and strays unintentionally and one that repeatedly, without fail, searches for extramarital affairs.
Now, I'm not 'in' on what really happened between Tiger and Elin but what if Tiger Woods is a man that made one mistake and is desperately trying to rectify it for the sake of his family? What if we the public, are denying him his right to privacy and in the process annihilating any chance of redemption? I know there are plenty of arguments to go along with that starting with, they live in the public eye, but really, does that make it ok? I don't think it does. I think he has a right to ask that his privacy be respected and I think it should be. I don't think it will be, but I'm just one person and can't do anything about that.
At the end of the day, I've been watching Tiger for the past few years and haven't seen much questionable behavior. Can't we forgive him just this once? I promise, he does it again and I'll string him up, right along with the rest of you.
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