la lalala

OK a few changes are coming. I've put a little weight loss graph here so I can see how much weight I'm loosing. Hopefully I won't be gaining. But I'm trying to hold off the weight gain until after I see the specialists at home.

Blog probably easier to read in bullet point.

I haven't done any school work...need to start.
Boot camp great, I'm in great shape other than gaining instead of loosing.
Ran first race with C, K and Q so cool!
Have an internship.
Can't wait to go home.
On new med, feeling good but scatterbrained
Bailey's coming!!!

You Are 83% American

You're as American as red meat and shooting ranges. Tough and independent, you think big. You love everything about the US, wrong or right. And anyone who criticizes your home better not do it in front of you!

How American Are You?

I don't know what to do...

with my relationship with Brian. We don't seem to be able to get on the same page at all since we broke up. There is a bigger issue going on, one that I don't really want to talk about with anyone other than him. I wonder if that's the reason we are having a hard time right now so I don't want to cut it off but at the same time my heart is being pulled apart at the moment. I feel like one day he's ok with...say holding hands and then the next day holding hands is the cardinal sin. He doesn't see it that way he feels like I'm pushing to start the relationship again. I am but I'm not. I am interested in seeing where the relationship goes and keeping the maintenance of it but I'm not interested in getting back together tomorrow. You know when you want to cry so bad and there is this lump in your throat so big that your chest feels heavy and you can't take a deep breath...that's me but I can't cry. I've had this feeling for a couple days now, the dam will break a little and a few tears will come out but I need a good *hard* gasping and hiccuping kind of cry. Maybe our relationship wasn't perfect and maybe I've seen this coming for a while but that doesn't take away that this is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the one I pictured playing in the backyard with our kids with, and pictured waiting in out pront porch rockers for our grandkids to arrive with. Regardless of whether or not we get back together I'm mourning the time we are spending apart. Call it draumatic but it is so hard to to do this and I don't know whether to be the cold heartless bitch or the welcome mat.

Argh

I've just had this aversion to blog lately. I think it's because I have so much going on in my head I just don't know how to get it out in words. There are all these controicting feelings and I'm not sure I know how to organize them in my head let alone in a blog. It seems like every time I get to a place where I feel like I'm ok and have control something else happens (big break up, kicked out, move, oh I don't know, internal bleeding....) So now I'm hesitant to feel ok with things, not that I'm sitting here thinking if I'm not organized things will hold off...just a psychological hesitancy. But I did finish a class yesterday and there are two more I'm close to done with so I am starting to feel organized in that area. I'm not feeling ok with the Brian thing. I don't know what the heck we're doing at the moment...I don't want to talk about that at the moment.

The girls are FANTASTIC at the moment. They seem very content with things. They are being more independant as the days go on, allowing me to get more work done which is good because I'm doing my internship next semester which means a lot more work. I really struggle with doing work around them because I don't want them to feel like I'm ignoring them or neglecting them but I also think it's good that they learn that they are not going to be played with every second of everyday. It's not like while I'm working if someone falls I just ignore it or if they cry they have to deal with it. I still interact with them and care for them, I just do it with a computer in my lap while they are on the floor instead. I don't know. I feel like they're fine and I know I'm being stupid but I worry about these things.

The weekend from hell...

Thank God C and R are so down-to-earth. K took a blow to the head Fri afternoon and bled and has these huge swells. She knocked her head trying to pull herself up on a chair. I was just saying the other day what a big girl she is but as I held her screaming and bleeding I felt like I was looking at the six week old I started with and I had personally caused her pain. Three hours later I was with Brian still shaking over it. An hour later Brian and I were breaking up. I don't think either of us planned to do it...it just happened.

Part of me feels so excited that I'm "free"and I can do whatever I want without answering to anyone and all that feminist stuff. The other part of me is totally freaking out and just can't handle it. The emotional pain is so bad it's physical. Two years of my life I have done this and now.....It feels like it was all for nothing. That's not true I have learned so much from him and we've been through a lot together, all of which have been amazing lessons for me. Part of me wants to rip off the band-aid. The other part wants my best friend back. I don't know what is going to happen but I'm sure everything will be ok.

I am on a role!!!!...

I've gotten SO much school work done it isn't even funny. I should have all the classwork done by tomorrow and take the final on Tuesday hopefully. I'll have another class done and a third class started before the end of the month. I feel like a train. I go chug.............chug................chug when I get started but once I get started unless I hit a big bump or have to make a stop I'm going chugchugchugchug. I'm proud of myself too;)

K and Q are growing up so fast! Yesterday I walked into another room where I could still see K in her highchair...she put on this huge grin and waved at me. It was enough to make me teary-eyed. They are so huge. Gone are the days Icould fit both of them quite comfortably in one arm, these days I see little people who change and learn new things everyday. Who see me walk through the door and have huge smiles. They are more and more independant everyday, giving me time to do work, yes, but also not as cuddly. K has been waving for a little while now but just when prompted. This time she knew what she was doing. She knew she was saying hi. She is going to be telling me "NO" any day now it feels like.

I gave them some shredded cheese while I was making their lunch, I put a little pile on the tray in front of them. I would step over and put a little pinch in their mouths in between tasks. Q decided I wasn't putting it into her mouth fast enough and they can't really get something that small in their mouths yet. She was screaming eh eh eh, trying to get me to come over to her. I said "Hold on Q I'll be right there". She looked at me, looked at the cheese, looked at me again and stuck her face in the cheese, licking it off the tray. I almost peed my pants, even better, she came back up and had cheese caked from her eyebrows to her chin, at this point I was in tears and they were both looking at me like I was on crack. By the time we were done with cheese I was cleaning it off the rafters but it was worth every second. I couldn't love these girls much more if they were my own.

WHOOO HOOOOOO!!!

THE PAPER IS DONE. Hopefully I'll have this class over and done with VERY soon. It is due next month so I don't really have a choice about that. But I'm hoping to be done with it in the next couple weeks. I thought this paper would never be over. It felt like it was going to be stapled to my butt for the rest of my life. I'm feeling pretty under control for the first time in months. I feel like I have a decent handle on my school work, not where I'd really like to be but better than it could be. I LOVE where I'm living. My room is fantastic and T and H are great. They've adopted me basically. I don't feel nearly as lonely as when I was at the other place. I actually WANT to be here on the weekends. I'm dreading going into town next weekend. I'm really excited to see Brian and spend some time with him but I'm settled and loving my new place and I don't want to go back to living out of a bag.

I also found an internship although I'm not sure I'll be able to do it. I was sent an email from school about it and called the "boss lady" and ultimately found out that H would be my supervisor which is a conflict of interest and could risk both of our licenses. So I can work with H she just can't be my supervisor. I have to find another which is hard to do cause no one wants the work. So I guess we'll see how it goes.

We'll I guess its time for the pics I promised.

NEXT problem...internship

I know I'm still a terrible person, I promised pics and haven't posted them yet. I'm DYING to get this paper done. I really hate this class I'm working on right now and Im a little overwhelmed about getting back into school. I missed the internship deadline so now Im on my own. (Don't think abotu that now).

What I am thinking about is Kere. She started crawling the other day and just seems so HUGE. I look at her and still see the six week old I started with and wonder how the hell she's crawling. Quinn is still Quinn, talking all the time and totally happy with where she is, not needing to push herself. I'm sure she could crawl in a heartbeat if she really wanted to but she has no motivation...so cute. It's almost like having a baby and a toddler at the same time. Kere gets so frustrated and wants to go go go and Quinn has this look on her face like life is just too quick for her, she's just fine sitting thank you;)

Seeing as how they are totally passed out right now seeing as how I kept them up like 45 minutes after they wanted to go down I should take the opportunity to work on my paper. Grad school sucks, that's all I have to say.