Yet again its been forever since my last post so before I get a call from my mom;) I think I'll write one. You can't blame me though. I feel like my life hasn't calmed down since I moved to this dumb state. I haven't opened a book since I came home from home. The girlies make me laugh constantly but they also make me cry cause they drive me absolutely crazy. They are all over the place. Now that they are mobile I can't pee by myself. Generally I have one in my lap and the other crying at my feet wanting to be held. School work is a foregone conclusion. I actually cried over toilet paper tonight. I'm exhausted by the time I get home, forget making dinner for myself let alone doing laundry from my trip. All I see in the future is this sea of screaming, needy babies. Don't get me wrong, I love those girls and I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything. It's just hard...REALLY hard. I know I'm not a mom and I'm not getting up with them at night etc etc etc but I do spend enough time with them to at least have an idea of how rough it can be.
OK now I'm just insane. I've been yelling at Bailey for a little over an hour now about barking. She isn't a barker so I was surprised she was doing it and I was getting up in her face about it and she was shaking so I felt awful about it but the thing I just realized is that she was barking at a mouse. My skin is crawling. I enlisted the guys from upstairs and they trapped it in a bucket and took it outside but Bailey and I are still grossed out. Sorry, that just ended the writing streak. I'm going to bed.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
For my Mother...
My mom so kindly informed me that it had been ten days since I had posted...yeah hi mom and btw, I'm trying to take care of eleven month old twins AND go to grad school;)
The twins are getting so grown up! I looked at K the other day, I had dressed her in little baby jeans and one of those fashionable flowy spaghetti strap shirts. She looked like such a little toddler. She weighs a wopping 21 lbs while Q is still only 14.5 lbs. The three month old down the street has even hit 16. Sometimes I worry about my little Q, especially when I'm swimming in sweet potatoes she spit back at me. The pediatrician keeps telling me everything is fine, she was premature this is normal...ya ok. Q is also doing this screaming thing. Up until now they both go down just fine. You put them in their crib, gie them a passie and they just go to sleep well Q has started this thing that she'll go down just fine but 5 min later she starts screaming like she's hurt. The first few times I would run up the stairs in a total panic and find her just fine, holding herself up on the edge of the crib. If I pick her up she will promptly fall asleep on my shoulder but the same thing happens when I put her back down. I feel like I'm running this fine line. I don't want to leave her to scream but I don't want to teach her that if she keeps up the screaming I'm going to jump up and let her sleep on my shoulder.
They are both getting ridiculously active. Especially K. I realized something the other day. I was feeling bad about the amount of other things I would do when I was with them ie reading blogs. But then I decided that yes, I need to beware of the time I spend doing other things but I realized why I do it. When you are home alone with kids there is only so many times that you can play the pop-up game before you need a little adult conversation...or at least need to be reminded of the outside world. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as the kids are safe and it doesn't take up my whole day. There are moments I swear I'm going crazy and if I have to tell K not to bite Q one more time, something bad is going to happen.
School is going ok, the girls are so much more active now I don't really get any work done while I'm with them which means I'm up until all hours of the night trying to finish that 15 pg paper that I was supposed to have done a week ago but over all, all is well. I'm home for the week and I desperately miss the girls but I guess that will make me ready for 14 hour days when I get home..Yes 14 hour days. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself but we'll make it I'm sure.
The twins are getting so grown up! I looked at K the other day, I had dressed her in little baby jeans and one of those fashionable flowy spaghetti strap shirts. She looked like such a little toddler. She weighs a wopping 21 lbs while Q is still only 14.5 lbs. The three month old down the street has even hit 16. Sometimes I worry about my little Q, especially when I'm swimming in sweet potatoes she spit back at me. The pediatrician keeps telling me everything is fine, she was premature this is normal...ya ok. Q is also doing this screaming thing. Up until now they both go down just fine. You put them in their crib, gie them a passie and they just go to sleep well Q has started this thing that she'll go down just fine but 5 min later she starts screaming like she's hurt. The first few times I would run up the stairs in a total panic and find her just fine, holding herself up on the edge of the crib. If I pick her up she will promptly fall asleep on my shoulder but the same thing happens when I put her back down. I feel like I'm running this fine line. I don't want to leave her to scream but I don't want to teach her that if she keeps up the screaming I'm going to jump up and let her sleep on my shoulder.
They are both getting ridiculously active. Especially K. I realized something the other day. I was feeling bad about the amount of other things I would do when I was with them ie reading blogs. But then I decided that yes, I need to beware of the time I spend doing other things but I realized why I do it. When you are home alone with kids there is only so many times that you can play the pop-up game before you need a little adult conversation...or at least need to be reminded of the outside world. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as the kids are safe and it doesn't take up my whole day. There are moments I swear I'm going crazy and if I have to tell K not to bite Q one more time, something bad is going to happen.
School is going ok, the girls are so much more active now I don't really get any work done while I'm with them which means I'm up until all hours of the night trying to finish that 15 pg paper that I was supposed to have done a week ago but over all, all is well. I'm home for the week and I desperately miss the girls but I guess that will make me ready for 14 hour days when I get home..Yes 14 hour days. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself but we'll make it I'm sure.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
sick
I've avoided writing because I've been sick and UNBELIEVABLY irrational. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do about it. A lot of that it that I'm sick and when I'm sick things get a little weird.
I'm really excited about going home and also about bringing Bailey back with me. I lost a housesitting job that I desperately needed, things at work are slightly rocky, my body is flipping out on me and I'm overwhelmed about school...I guess what's new, huh? This is my life, my life is drama and if there weren't drama it wouldn't be me right? My current schoolwork it pretty under control. I'm not where I had hoped to be but I'm on the right track. I'm more concerned about the next little while. Because of how conservative this school is they have capped the amount of financial aid a person can have during school. This amount is fine when you don't have a pulmonary embolism, miss out on basically a semester of work and then add a semester of school. So now I can't survive financially without working 22-25 hours a week. This on top of doing my internship for 15 hours per week, being enrolled in 15 credit hours and school work. I'm struggling to function now without the classes, internship and with only 18 hours. I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I've always had this view of myself that I'm strong and somehow it always ends up working out but in the last little while that thought hasn't been as convincing as usual. Things haven't worked out in a way that would prove this thought recently.
I'm still loosing, obviously not as quickly as before but still getting there. 2.0 lbs in a week is a lot more reasonable than 9 lbs. It feels so good that I can loose weight like a normal person. I'm nervous my specialist isn't going to keep me on this med and I like it so I want to stay on it. We'll see how it goes!
I'm really excited about going home and also about bringing Bailey back with me. I lost a housesitting job that I desperately needed, things at work are slightly rocky, my body is flipping out on me and I'm overwhelmed about school...I guess what's new, huh? This is my life, my life is drama and if there weren't drama it wouldn't be me right? My current schoolwork it pretty under control. I'm not where I had hoped to be but I'm on the right track. I'm more concerned about the next little while. Because of how conservative this school is they have capped the amount of financial aid a person can have during school. This amount is fine when you don't have a pulmonary embolism, miss out on basically a semester of work and then add a semester of school. So now I can't survive financially without working 22-25 hours a week. This on top of doing my internship for 15 hours per week, being enrolled in 15 credit hours and school work. I'm struggling to function now without the classes, internship and with only 18 hours. I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I've always had this view of myself that I'm strong and somehow it always ends up working out but in the last little while that thought hasn't been as convincing as usual. Things haven't worked out in a way that would prove this thought recently.
I'm still loosing, obviously not as quickly as before but still getting there. 2.0 lbs in a week is a lot more reasonable than 9 lbs. It feels so good that I can loose weight like a normal person. I'm nervous my specialist isn't going to keep me on this med and I like it so I want to stay on it. We'll see how it goes!
Monday, June 4, 2007
Wow
I've been going going going recently. I get up at 4:30 to go to bootcamp, immediately go to work and then go home to do schoolwork until I fall asleep on top of my books at night. I'm way behind where I wanted to be with my schoolwork right now so I'm tying to keep up. I'd even forgotten that I had a blog which my mom so kindly reminded me I hadn't written on in a while (hi mom). I haven't gone out with any friends or really even spent any time with Brian. I'm so worn down. I'm so excited to go home and take naps under four dogs. Yet I'm worried about how I'm going to fit my schoolwork in the suitcase. I've been telling myself for a while that I wasn't going to take work home but I'm just so behind I feel like I have to. I'm bringing Bailey back and I have to add all her paraphenalia to the suitcase so I have to figure out what has to be done that's going to require the least amount of books. I am trying to walk the line between needing a break at home and needing this semester to be over. I'm still thinking about it. I don't know how its going to turn out. If I can get enough done between now and then I won't so I need to ante up.
THe Brian situation is so far gone to me that I don't know which way is up. I don't even know what to do with myself. There are times I want him back so badly it hurts then there are other times that I can't wait to get off the phone and pray he doesn't call back. I know he feels the same at times and I'm trying to keep my distance but there has been all this stuff recently that means I have to see him. But obviously I won't see him when I'm home. Maybe that will be a much needed break for us both.
OH HEY, notice I've lost weight? I think it's this metabolism drug I'm on. Since I can't be on OCP my PCOS is running rampid so my GP gave me this metabolism pill because I had gained 12 lbs in three weeks while in boot camp and eating less than 1500 cals a day. I think what happened was that my body wanted to loose the weight but couldn't because of all the other issues and this pill helped it along so now my body is spitting out all this fat. Now that I know I can do it I'm pushing even harder. When you think you can't you just do it so you can say you did knowing it's not going to do anything. Now I'm thinking I have a little more control and can get it going so I'm more excited about doing it.
THe Brian situation is so far gone to me that I don't know which way is up. I don't even know what to do with myself. There are times I want him back so badly it hurts then there are other times that I can't wait to get off the phone and pray he doesn't call back. I know he feels the same at times and I'm trying to keep my distance but there has been all this stuff recently that means I have to see him. But obviously I won't see him when I'm home. Maybe that will be a much needed break for us both.
OH HEY, notice I've lost weight? I think it's this metabolism drug I'm on. Since I can't be on OCP my PCOS is running rampid so my GP gave me this metabolism pill because I had gained 12 lbs in three weeks while in boot camp and eating less than 1500 cals a day. I think what happened was that my body wanted to loose the weight but couldn't because of all the other issues and this pill helped it along so now my body is spitting out all this fat. Now that I know I can do it I'm pushing even harder. When you think you can't you just do it so you can say you did knowing it's not going to do anything. Now I'm thinking I have a little more control and can get it going so I'm more excited about doing it.
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