School is good!

I'm doing this to procrastinate doing the diagnosing that is due at 4:30 but hey, why not. School is really good. I like it a lor better. I'm really excited about it although it is going to be yet another long semester.

Brian is another topic I'll have to cover when I don't have school over my head. I don't know what is going to happen there. I don't really know what I want to happen there to be honest. I kinda put the ball in his court and I guess we're going to have to muddle through somehow. I'm tired of this on again off again thing and it makes me nervous about any sort of future we could have together.

I need to do school work. More later.

Home seems so much further away...

I guess Brian and I have really always had an on again off again relationship but I think it's off again for good this time. For the past year there has really always been something medically wrong with me and I guess that makes Brian feel like everything is always about me. Well for the last little while I've had some problems which have affected our relationship recently. Yesterday I went to the Dr and was diagnosed with yet another issue. Brian doesn't really want to be a part of it anymore. I guess I realized that there is always going to be something up with me. I'm always going to need to mediate what I need to keep my hormones sane and how much clot risk I'm willing to take on. If by some miracle I'm able to get pregnant there are going to be nine months where things are always going to be kinda about me. Brian wants it to be about him sometimes. I don't think that's unfair to ask but at the same time it's not like I'm creating these situations for attention. If he loves me he loves all of me right? To be honest, I'm not saying I can't do anything to improve but these things are so hard for me to deal with. I'm dealing with thoughts I never thought I'd have to worry about until I was in my 40's. I want Brian to sit down and hug me and tell me everything was ok. I don't want to worry about fighting with him because yet again it isn't about him. Yesterday my dr kinda hinted towards a hysterectomy because there isn't a whole lot of chance I can get pregnant and if I do I'm taking on risk of clotting so if this gets bad enough maybe that's something to think about. All I wanted was for him to come over and watch movies with me and tell me we'd work it out and it wouldn't come to that but all he did was call and talk about how he wanted me to make it about him. I don't know maybe that makes me the selfish one. This is going to be really hard though. Anyone else that I'm close to atr 1,700 miles away. What am I going to do if I get sick again? Brian is home here. I live in someone else's house. I like them and everything but I think of Brian's apartment as more like home, Brian himself is home here. For my program Im' supposed to be picking a state I want licesure in but I was thinking I'm just going to be following Brian around and that's ok as long as I'm with him I'm home...Now I don't really have one. My room at home was taken over by my sister and the room she left is now the guest bedroom, there isn't anywhere for me. My apartment looks like a bomb went off because I have boxes of eveything I left at Brian's. There is no where for me there anymore either. All of a sudden I feel lost. I don't know what to do. There is this cheap grocery store here that is always jam packed full of people so Brian and I have been going together and tag teaming it in order to get out with some sort of sanity left. I went by myself today so i was already a little upset walking in but I was doing pretty well. I wandered around glazed over but productively shopping when some kid whose idiot mom let him push the cart in a jam packed store ran the cart up on my foot. It took the skin off my foot and I was bleeding everywhere. All over my favorite shoes and pants, the Born espadrilles I got on Target clearance and the only pants that fit my huge bloated PMSing butt which of course are khaki. I lost it. I just burst into tears. If only Brian were there. Everything just seems off without him. We had our problems and I couldn't stand him sometimes but I love him so much.

School

Well school was kinda bad but I actually feel pretty good about it and that makes me feel good. I have a psycho prof teaching abnormal psychology but he doesn't believe there is such thing as abnormal. In fact, When he realized I was transferring in from the seminary he added that he feels that it is Christians who create abnormality and proceeded to go on about this for 45 minutes while asking me to comment along the way. After thinking about it I regret that I feel I might have given him permission. He asked where I transferred in from I told him and he said (SCHOOL NAME!) Why did you leave? I wasn't really prepared and I said that I wasn't as conservative as I needed to be to fit in there. By this I didn't mean that I WASN'T conservative I meant I'm not as conservative as the school. I feel that for a man who prides himself as being a world-renound psychologist, he sure doesn't especially have the ability to be non-offensive. His class is definitley not what I was looking forward to in this class but neither does he believe in grades so he only gives A's and F's. I tell you I thought profs like this were myths. But believe me, I'm going to be one of the A people and that doesn't seem to hard to do.

I had another class last night that is going to be ROUGH. The rest of the people in the class walked out hyperventalating but I didn't because I had a class like this in undergrad that I hyperventalated through.

All in all I'm pretty happy with it so I'll see how tonight goes.

Things are much less chaotic now...

I haven't written in forever...my computer crashed and things just snowballed from there. Long story short, I finished my classes and due to several factors chose to transfer schools. I think I'm going to be much happier in the school I'm in now. There is a lot more diversity there creating more opportunity to make friends. Not to mention I'll be out in a year and tuition is half of what I was paying because this is a state school as opposed to seminary. Not that I regret going to seminary, it is just a lot different than what I pictured going in I guess and I didn't fit in at all. I think the new school is going to be good for me. It is basically a smaller version of my undergrad school so I feel more at home and I know the way things are, I know where and how to fit in, etc etc.

So I took last week off and it wasn't much like a vacation but it was still nice not to have to work. I came back to work today and school starts tonight. The girls are so big even compared to last week. I'm exhausted though, I'm chasing them both in different directions and today they were on off nap schedules so I didn't have a break. I usually don't do that. They both go down no matter what but their mom let K sleep so I just let her keep sleeping since she wasn't going to go down anyway and as soon as she woke up Q was ready to go down. Either way I think this semester is going to be much better than past semesters. I've taken on a MUCH more reasonable work schedule and so far (knock on wood) there isn't as much work as in seminary. Hopefully this means much less stress and maybe even a little down time on the weekends...I don't want to get my hopes up though;)

All in all, there are still things I need to work on and work out but I can't really complain. Things seem more or less in order, less stress and I have routine. I have two classes tonight and will come home with two syllabi so we'll see if I feel the same then;)