Just can't sleep...

You know those nights where you just can't get your mind to stop? I think the emotions have kinda been building up this week and I let today get to me.

On Sunday I went back to the church I grew up in. I haven't walked through those doors in almost 12 years. I left a lot of skeletons there. I cried through the whole service, was kind of in a daze for a few hours after and then was just done with it. The thing is, I don't know why I was crying. I was kinda numb. I didn't feel anything but was crying anyway. Maybe I'm making it more of a deal than it should be. I've just never felt safe in church since I left there and I'm not sure I would ever be able to settle in there without advocating for myself but I don't know what that would look like. It doesn't matter now anyway. I think this has kinda been brewing in the back of my mind this week and thinking of going back for the next two weeks and Christmas Eve is not especially exciting. At the same time church has always been 'family time' and I'm not giving up on it either. Whatever.

So I've wanted this job for several months now and I had the interview today which either went extremely well or was a train wreck. I don't know. This is weighing on me though. It's over. There's nothing I can do about it now so I shouldn't stress but I'm SO anxious.

Then there's the guy I was pretty serious about that put some things up on FB that didn't give me warm fuzzies. It really has nothing to do with him or the fact that he has a crazy new girlfriend as much as he has a girlfriend and I'm alone. Let's then talk about the 250 people I grew up with that are now wandering around this town with spouse and child in tow. It's a constant and not so fun reminder. And, can I just say, if one more person says to me that I'm alone but I'm going to be a Dr and they aren't, I think I'll have a public temper tantrum including kicking, screaming and arm flailing. Contrary to popular belief, the two CAN, in fact, coexist. That's what rich men are for right?

I know none of it is really that big a deal, I think I just need to deal with it all and I'm not really sure how to do it at the moment. Jobs and loniliness have been a pretty constant stress recently. There's not anything I can do about either of them than what I'm already doing. I just have to wait and let God do what He's going to do with it. Regardless, it's hard for me to just walk away and forget it exsists in my life. I'm constantly obsessing. So these two things kinda come to a head today, I have to face them both while in the back of my mind I'm still trying to deal with the church thing. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Right now, I'm dealing with insomnia and venting...doesn't really get me very far. I just need to sleep. Things will be better in the morning. Xanax anyone?