Boot camp ROCKS!

It's been a long week. I guess in the life of this blog I haven't mentioned any easy weeks so it shouldn't stand out but I started boot camp this week. It's been the first time I've exercised since my PE. I'm also tired enough for it to be obvious that it's my firs time exercising. I have to get up at 4:45 to get there in time so I'm exhausted by 7pm and fall asleep often doing school work...often even before my Coumadin which is screwing up my INR. I'M THERAPEUTIC though for the FIRST TIME since my pulmonary embolism. That only took four months!!! Anyway, I have already lost weight from boot camp, or at least I'm carrying it differently enough that people are telling me I'm thinner. I promised myself that I would wait three weeks to weigh myself so I wasn't disappointed so we'll see how that goes. By then I probably will have gained weight from added muscle and I'll be disappointed anyway.

I'm also getting settled in with my new place. I'm so excited, I spend the first night there tomorrow. I'll take pics and post them when I get around to it;) It's not completely unpacked yet. I still have to buy a microwave and get some shelves up. Otherwise it is fantastic and I think I'm going to like living there a hundred times better than at my old place. I also get to see the girls more often this way which is not a bad thing either.

I've also been trying to be proactive in other areas of life. I think that it might be a good idea for me to think about adopting instead of biological kids. I know it is hard for women with previous PE's to have a successful and safe pregnancy so I'd like to be proactive and get some info before I talk to a few drs in my hometown when I get there this summer. I have no plans of doing it tomorrow but I feel like it is something that I need to hear now if it isn't possible. We'll see how it goes. I've totally been into the adoption blogs recently and it is so nice to read them so it really wouldn't be the end of the world, just stepping stone. There are of course a few things I might need some time with but after that I think I would be thrilled.

Well, I think I'm going to figure out that paper I've been carrying around for what feels like a year and a half. The books I have checked out have been out so long that they can't be renewed so it's costing me $3/day to have them...time to get rid of them.

I'M MOVED!!!!

OK so I can't describe tiredness at the mooment but work with me. I'm SOOOO excited to be liveing here. Things are going my way. I'm going to be short...I want to go to bed but...the basics I'm moved in but I'm staying with the girlies for the week until I'm allowed officially in to the new apartment. Things aren't working exactly as planed but what does? So I have pics that I will give up but then I'm crashing....see you next spring...

I think that beds may find sheets a lot faster at my house if sheets could put themselves there.

You should notice here that there are bookshelves that have nothing on them. They beg out to me everytime I walk in....PLEASE PLEASE DON'TLEAVE US EMPTY, WE'LL HELP WITH THE CLEANUP.

ok blogger doesn't want me to flip the pic at all but you get the idea of chaos right?

I found literally passed out and couldin't help much in the move but as you can see we have all survived and BOOT CAMP STARTS TOMORROW.....WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!

Update...

I've been really busy trying to get this move organized. I haven't really gotten any school work done but I've organized packed and re-packed so that my conditions are actually liveable. I have the after pics but the before pics have been lost in the land with the socks that miraculously disappear out of the dryer.

look past the unmade bed that doesn't even have sheets.

notice how I've used bookshelves to maximize floor space

notice how there is an actual walk way ALL THE WAY to the door

I understand that you have to have seen the before pis to fully appreciate how utterly amazing these pics are but I literally COULD NOT leave this room without crawling over furniture as I was scared to crawl over something breakable in the middle of the floor.

I plan for this all to leave and move to a new location of chaos of which I will provide before and after pics that I will be sure do not disappear to sock land but that all will happen Sat with my wonderful boyfriend, boss and brother....I'm loving it aren't you? You are riveted, begging me to provide pics, screaming at the top of your lungs for my next post. I know, I know, donations are welcome.

INR 1.2

My INR has been 1.2 for two weeks as of today, although I congratulate myself on my ability to be stable I would prefer my stability at a higher number...say maybe 2.5? Thankfully this does not freak me out even close to how it used to, it still doesn't make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Recovering...

OK so I'm recovering from my mini breakdown last night. I decided that it isn't such a bad thing that I want my dog to keep me company...that's what dogs are for right? It isn't like she is or will be neglected, she's probably going to be the most spoiled dog on the block. There is going to be a little bit of pain in the butt left as far as packing but most everything else is done except stuff I will need. I'm going to visit a place tonight which hopefully will be my saving grace but otherwise I think I'll probably move into Brian's for a while with my own bed. My Dr is recommending that I not be by myself for the next little while. I think I just feel guilty. I was raised that that was wrong. God forbid someone at the seminary find out what I'm doing but these are extenuating circumstances and it is totally innocent. I feel like I need it validated but this is my choice right? I mean God moved me away from all my family to be with Brian and now I'm supposed to have a chaperone but I don't see people lining up so therefore God has left me with Brian. I'll have my own room and it won't be "living" with Brian...I guess that's an issue to deal with after I visit the place tonight.

So anyway, that leaves school work. In reality I'm doing pretty well in school work when you take everything into consideration I'm just really behind what I put on my calendar that I'd have done by now. 15 pages behind in fact. My term paper that's going to finish my first Bible class that I can't wait to get rid of. It's a church history class....SOOOO BORING! The guy teaching it is completely monotonous and the class does not interest me at all. It's not even about biblical characters, so I'm that much more motivated to get this paper done but I have to have 15 sources and its going to be A LOT of work and I haven't been able to get into it yet. But when it comes down to it, no, I'm not on schedule for school work but I'm more or less packed which I did in two days and then needed a day to recuperate...OH NO! I mean how did I think I was going to get the paper done that quickly anyway with two nine month olds needing attention. Oh well...I'm not dead and I'm not living on the street.

What are you going to do?

OK so I haven't written in forever, I know, I'm an awful person. It has been insane around here but then again, what's new? I don't have a lot of time so I'm going to do the short version. The two biggest things going on in my life right now are school work and eviction.

I have gotten a TON of school work done and as long as it isn't too conceited, I'm pretty proud of myself. I've been getting about four pages written a day. Most of the papers I have to write are 3-5 pages so that means I've written a paper a day. I'm getting through it all pretty quickly so I feel like I have a little control over it...still just as overwhelmed by the amount but not as freaked about getting it done.

Well, I don't remember if I've talked about my living situation but siffice it to say it hasn't been a desireable experience. I was thinking about moving out but my landlady took care of that for me. She wants to let her daughters friend stay in my room for the summer so I have to find somewhere else to live. Maybe this is why my school work is no longer overwhelming because I'm so unexplainably overwhelmed about this. So now I'm trying to find somewhere to live by May 1. I am SOOOOOO angry I don't even know what to do with myself. So now I'm trying to pack and do schoolwork all at the same time...how mcuh fun is that? So I guess Brian is going to help me pack the next couple weekends and we'll see from there. Worst comes to worst, I'll put my stuff in storage and live here and there for the next little while. I looked at a place this weekend but it gave me the creeps so I'm thinking it isn't a good idea. I don't know what to do. I need to stop writing/thinking about it, my blood pressure is rising...

Grrr...

I'm bleeding internally again. It's been a rather rough few days. I finally took the dr up on his offer for drugs. I am completely overwhelmed and frustrated I don't know what to do. One of the drugs I got from the dr was adavan but I want to take it when I don't really have anything to do so if it knocks me out or I can't function then it's ok.

I'm really stressed about school too. I haven't really done anything mostly because I can't get into it. I don't want to be working my butt off all summer to do work I could be doing now. I need to give myself a break. I'm just a little lost. I've got a "date" with a friend in the library tomorrow so hopefully I'll get a lot of work done. That's how I would get work done at home. I had a friend I met in the library and we kept each other going. We'll see what happens.

More news: Things are so so with Brian. The first few days were amazing but then all the rest of it came right back. I don't know what this break did but I guess we are working on it.

Manic Moments

I haven't posted for a couple days first because my internet has been a little shoddy and second because I'm having quasi-manic moments. Ever since I had my fantasic day I've been working like a machine. I even stayed up till three in the morning the other night just to get my to-do list written and appropriatly posted right in front of my face so as not to forget that I shouldn't be watching tv. I don't think I'm physically ready for this gung-ho school work idea. I woke up feeling especially crappy today. I just haven't been able to get myself going. My INR is good, I haven't started any new meds, the only thing I have to blame it on is my manic school work mode.

I've also decided I need to find a different place to work. I end up cleaning my apartment during half of the work time. Granted I've run out of things to clean (ARG) so maybe that will help but I haven't gotten any papers turned in or anything to 'prove' the work I'm doing at the moment. I guess not the end of the world, work is getting done but still. I do have a desk I think I've used once since I mived into this place. Most of the time it's a dump all for all of my crap but of course all the crap was cleaned off during my BPD mania.

Anyway I'm going to go back to work, just wanted to let all of you avid fans (hahahaha) I hadn't fallen off the planet yet. Oh BTW, Brian and I are talking...taking it slow, but the fat lady has not sung yet.

FANTASTIC day...

Today has been a great day! Brian called last night and I had a good time talking to him. I fell asleep not worried about dying and made up for some of my sleep deprivation when I slept for 11 glorious hours.

I’ve been into this blog, postsecret.blogspot.com. There are books that I’ve been wanting to buy but I decided they were of the read at the bookstore type and have been wanting to do that for a few weeks. Today I went to Borders, right out of bed, in my sweats and dirty hair, got a coffee with LOTS of espresso and sat in one of the chairs you sink into so far you can’t see over. I read there for a few hours enjoying my coffee and then went and wandered the Target clearance racks (one of my fav things to do) and then wandered the $1 store cause I’ve never been in one.

When I went to my advisor yesterday her advice was to take a day for myself. Don’t worry about what I have to do or what is going on, just go out and do stuff I’ve been wanting to do. When she said that I thought she was crazy. I was thinking OMG, look at my To Do list. ARE YOU SERIOUS? She was right. Today was the best thing I could have done for myself. I need to remember this and do it more often. I’m so relaxed. I relaxed enough that I actually WANT to do some work (gasp!!!). So I’m going to do a little work and then I’m going to relax, make myself a drink and watch Gilmore Girls. Remind me of this a few months from now. SUCH a great day.

I'm not going to die in my sleep tonight...

First I want to talk about the fact that I just talked to Brian. We made a deal that if something were wrong I would call. I was THRILLED the last time we talked. He flirted with me! Things have been so focused on my being sick that I don't remember the last time we flirted. I was having a really hard time the last few days with this chest pain. I desperately needed his support and comfort, I called him.

I haven't slept in the last few days because I was scared that the chest pain was a clot and I was terrified of dying in my sleep. I needed a little of that best friend/boyfriend comfort only he can give. I wish he would have been there to cuddle me as I went to sleep. As soon as I heard the worry in his voice I burst into tears but of course because I don't know whether I have a boyfriend or not I wouldn't tell him why I was crying, he got snappy and got off the phone.

I'm worried we won't make it. All this medical crap hasn't been easy for him to deal with and it just keeps coming. What if he doesn't want to deal with me anymore? Maybe he's decided that we shouldn't get married.

BRING ON THE VALIUM.

So then I go to the dr for my INR and tell the nurse that I've been an idiot all weekend thinking I'm going to die in my sleep. She got all over me about not calling and ushered me in to see the dr. The dr says I have inflammation around the lining of my heart and an infection of the tissue in my lungs. I can't take the meds for it cause I'm taking Coumadin. OMG, WILL IT EVER END? So now my INR is 3.3, of course, too high. In the words of the dr, "the saga continues." Oh BTW, He did also reassure me that I wouldn't be dying in my sleep tonight.

IS THERE ANYMORE VALIUM?

To finish off my day I went to school to talk to my advisor about my school schedule that is now royally screwed up. Basically they said the classes that I had to drop this semester were prerequisites for the classes I want to take in the summer and the classes in the summer are prerequisites for the ones I want to take in the fall...I'm screwed. So now there is no way for me to take summer classes, not the end of the world but I'm also going to be in school a lot longer than planned. You have no idea how much that messes up.

All this comes together to say that it hasn't been a great day and I wish Brian was around. Now I'm worried about him not being around. I don't know how I'm going to do this.

NO MORE VALIUM? HOW ABOUT SOME VODKA?