What's Missing?

I feel like I'm on the train in the book The Little Engine That Could, I keep chugging along, clearing everything on my track no matter how daunting it is. It seems that just as soon as I clear something, something else arises. Even the little engine that could gets tired after a while. When I first moved here things were really hard because it's new and I missed Boston home and Charlotte home and Fort Lauderdale is not, nor will it ever be, home. I left behind incredible parents and friends in both cities that are irreplaceable. More and more I realize what an unwavering constant Brian was in my life. He was there for it all and made the transition to Boston livable. There's no transition here, I feel I have no where to fall. Being single was pretty cool at first. I did my own thing, didn't have to consider someone else and got to be selfish for a while. Now that its been a year, its not fun and I realize I like having someone else to think about. This week has been interesting, I haven't really slept. The bed seems so empty which is strange because it's never been full.

You know what's the kicker? I don't know if I even want anyone right now. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I desperately want someone else to think of but it's hard to fit much of anything in my life right now. I don't even know how I'm going to work let alone find time to devote to someone else. I know that's so contradictory.

Maybe that's what I just tell myself to take away the sting. If I've heard my mom once I've heard her 2 million times that I'm right where God wants me to be. I likely wouldn't be in school now if I were married, I get that, I do, its not any less lonely. I just think maybe since I've weeded through a lot of interesting characters God is going to reward me with someone amazing, if I can only be patient enough to see it.

I wander around here feeling like something is missing. I go to school...check. I don't have a job but I'm looking...check. Finding FLL friends...check. What isn't there? Could it be that even after a year I feel a hole where a man used to be? Does part of me feel like that's missing? Consciously I don't feel that way. In my head I know this is where I want to be and if a man comes along great (ya, ok, that's a little less desperate than I really am but whatever.) Reality is that if I came across that one man that was passionate about what I'm passionate about and as dedicated to me as I want to be to him, there wouldn't be a problem. Maybe it's selfish but I don't want to be second to a job anymore, I don't want to struggle anymore. I know relationships are tough and maybe this is idealistic but there's someone out there who is going to put me before a job that I don't have to stuggle with everyday who is going to work with me instead of against me when times get tough. He's going to think I'm' cute even when I'm emotional and unreasonable. He will be my missing piece. He's out there and I'm going to find him.