Password Protect Part 2

I think I may have been a little hasty in deciding I needed to password protect. There were several things that came together and made me feel that way but I think I may have worked them out. I haven't really decided what I'm going to do about it yet but the situation isn't as immanent as originally thought. I honestly made this blog because when I was released from the hospital I had absolutely no clue what to expect and I was hoping to create something someone could go to and get an idea of what to expect. This also gives me an outlet to be a complete neurotic and talk about hugging shampoo bottles, something I would NEVER tell my friends. Password Protecting makes me feel like there is no point because someone couldn't come across it and get an idea of what they are in for. I don't do well with journals because I feel they are pointless, for me, not for people in general. Password protecting takes that away from me too. However there are a few things that are going on at the moment that seem to override my decision not to. I don't know how this is going to work yet but I've worked out an at least temporary solution.

I locked my sister and myself out of Brian's apartment today and ended up having to talk to him. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was for me. I'm so worried about us. I have no idea if we're ok or if he's already decided to get rid of me within five minutes of his arrival back home. I realized a few days ago that he was reading my blog and getting info about what I was up to, feeling and deciding so he probably isn't as tense as I am, not knowing what he's up to, feeling and deciding. I asked him to quit reading it and I trust him so I figure it's ok to write if that's what I want.

I think part of my emotional trauma at the moment is that my doctor has concerns about my INR and internal bleeding. Brian has been my rock through all this and I need a hug from my best friend. My INR is only 1.2. This is WAAAY too low. My dr has concerns about another clot developing during this time so is tripling my Coumadin. If it isn't where it's supposed to be tomorrow morning when he checks my INR then he wants me on Lovenox. Lovenox were the injections I had to put in my abdomin for about a month after the clot. They also were what caused the internal bleeding that was the source of several of my ER visits. Because of this, if my INR isn't high enough tomorrow I'm going to be admitted to the hospital. I've got quite a few emotions about that running through me. I'm overly frustrated. I wish Brian were here but I guess that's why he needs a break from me to begin with, huh? I also feel like this is all comsuming my life. I'm so tired of medical crap being my first concern. The cardiologist I saw last week thought I was a med student because I knew so much, I know so much because I've been through so much. I want to be informed about my health, I need to know these things, keep track of them and understnad the questions to ask but geez. Enough is enough. I feel guilty saying that though. What about all those people out there who know they are dying of cancer for three years, three years of drs, medicines, side effects, internal bleeding, worrying about getting sick, forgetting meds on trips, talking to drs every day etc etc. I should be thankful that this is only temporarily permanent instead of permanent. I feel so ungrateful saying I've had enough but I have. I'm ready to start school work, irritating group projects and workingout, although I will complain about those as soon as I start them again. I'm also worried about school because I'm supposed to register tomorrow. I don't know what to register for, who with, how much I can handle or anything. I gave up my internship for this semester, can I start it this summer? fall? what am I supposed to do? I can't get this semester done before it ends so how am I going to finish this semester and the summer sessions at the same time. So then do I wait and just start again in the fall? That puts me pretty significantly behind. GRRRR. HUMPH, I'm going to bed.