Today I don't feel so hot and since there is nothing else going on in my life to worry about etc (HEH) It must just be the Beta Blockers. You know I thought feeling better was going to improve things but now I'm just worried about other stuff. School, Brian, work, friends, God, I feel fat, can't work out etc etc etc. Does that make me a discontented person? Does it make me miserable to be around? I just got an email from a friend. She said my feisty spirit amazes her. Is that a veiled critique? I feel like I'm at a place in my life that I'm ready for some change, like personal change althought I'm going to start with a major hair change when my sis gets in town;) I think it's time to do a few new things. I'm hoping the cardiologist will tell me I can drive and work out and I'll go workout and try to meet some people. I think that going back and forth to Brians every weekend is going to have to stop. First, it's exhausting. Second, when I'm at Brian's over the weekend I don't do school work and I don't meet people. I need for that to change. I'm concerned that will take a toll on our relationship but not to sound careless but there are several many tolls on our relationship at the moment, what's one more. I want to have friends, get in my cute, skinny jeans over the weekend and go out. I don't want to lay on the couch all weekend anymore. I want to feel good about myself. I'm going to get a cute haircut, loose weight and meet people that will go out with me in their skinny jeans. I need to make an ENORMOUS dent in my school work. I need to bunker down with a healthy alternative to pizza bites and soda for the caffiene and pull a few all nighters. Maybe you haven't picked this up by now but I don't do well with change and this is a lot of change. I am a little excited but I'm also scared. You know it's like butterflies in your stomach plus some nausea. What started this you might ask...
I can't really go into details because it involves Brian and he's a pretty private person but all this starting over stuff kinda put the seed in my brain but something happened today that just pushed me over the edge and I realized that I can't do the things the way I do them anymore. I have to make some changes because there are some HUGE changes coming and I won't survive them without having something to lean back on. I'm at a critical point in my life where something has to happen. An old friend of mine used to say "I'm at a crossroad and I HAVE to choose one or I'm going to drive off the cliff." I'm at my crossroad and if I don't pick right or left I'm going to end up in the Atlantic.
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