Getting back to normal

I am full of a mix of emotions today. Part of me is full of joy and elation, the other part is sad and in need of validation.

I went to the cardiologist today. My heart rate was 72 and he said I was ok. Part of me just knew I was getting better. I was feeling better and able to do more. I just needed to exhaust all possibility and know without a doubt that everything is ok. I walked out of the cardiologist feeling like I was walking on clouds. Hundreds of pounds were lifted off my shoulders. I bought a pair of pants the other day and wore them to the appt. I felt good about myself, maybe even a little sexy (GASP!). Then I went to the mall next door with a gift certificate and bought something else that made me feel good. The cardiologist told me I could slowly begin to work out again which made me feel like I was on my way to being skinny and feeling good again. I'm just ecstatic that my sister is coming in town tomorrow so then I went to buy some stuff for her. I can't even begin to express the feeling I had. I felt like I was floating and free, free of medical restrictions and everything. I so wish I could recreate it. On top of that Brian and I had an amazing time last night. He packed and when he was done we cuddled on the couch without tv or anything and just talked and laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I don't remember the last time we did that. It reminded me of what I was fighting for and gave me the sense that I was doing the right thing fighting for it. It just topped off my day, one of those roll the windows down (if it weren't like -25 degrees outside of course), blare the music and sing at the top of your lungs kind of days.

Then I got home and Brian called and I was rudely reminded that last night most certainly did not fix everything and make it happily-ever-after. It totally brought me speeding out of the clouds and crashing down to earth. I realized I can't live like this. I want to be able to share these things with the man I marry, not hide from him. Not that I'm hiding from Brian, it's just everytime we talk we fight. I know it's a good idea for us not to talk while he's on his business trip, it will give us both time to think, time for the air to clear etc so that when he comes back we can have a fresh start to talk and figure things out. So then came my realization that this is good. I've been physically and emotionally dependent on Brian through all of this. We have become one person. These weeks are going to allow us to become two people again. I don't want this to sound callous but I have a few weeks that I don't have to worry about checking in or making sure someone else is ok with me staying up late or not doing the laundry when I say I am. Furthermore, I don't have to ask about getting my haircut which BTW, I'm thinking of a Meg Ryan You've Got Mail kind of look, you know, "I'm so cool I don't even brush my hair kind of look" although I'll never have the balls to do it.

Brian has done an EMENSE amount of things for me. I have not had any unmet needs while I've been sick, but I've been sick and I need a break. If he were in town I would want to try to make it up to him while I was feeling better in the meantime exhausting myself because I'm doing too much. This is freedom. This is time for me. This is ok. I'm terrified of loosing him but I think this is what we need. I think Brian feels the same way, he just doesn't want to say it and risk hurting my feelings, opening himself up for another fight...I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune the day after tomorrow, remind me I said this ok?