I didn't sleep well at all last night. First, I was waiting for Brian to call and tell me his flight got in ok which didn't happen until 1am, my betime is 10. Then I finally fell asleep and kept waking up with these night sweats. They were really bad. I've never had anything like that before. I went through several different pairs of pjs and the sheets were soaking. I didn't realize until this morning that I sweat right through the sheets into the mattress pad. So I think maybe I got about two hours of sleep. Maybe that's playing a part in my state at the moment.
I woke up at five and couln't go back to sleep. I had this feeling, you know when you want to cry SOOO bad and you can feel it right there in your throat and you know if you could just sit down and go through a whole box of kleenex you'd feel so much better but you just can't do it no matter how hard you try? That's how I've felt all morning. I miss him and it's different this time because things are so ambiguous between us at the moment. Then on top of that, you know how when things happen and you just need to talk to your best friend? You can hear everything is ok a hundred times before but you just need to cry and vent on your best friend just to know it's true? Brian is my best friend. He's the one I go to when I have a fight with my mom, when my medical bills get high and I'm overwhelmed, when I find out there's something wrong with my body YET AGAIN, when I fail a test, when I don't know what to do and every other problem you need a best friend to console you over. Part of me feels this great loss, I have other friends, I can talk to them but it's just not the same as hearing it from my best friend. The other part of me wonders if I'm crazy, co-dependent and should just get over it and do something else. You want to know how pathetic I am? I just wanted to curl up in bed and take a nap and be able to smell him, my sister does that and I thought maybe it would help. I went through his closet, his dirty clothes, his drawers, and it just didn't smell like him, I gave up. Then I went to the bathroom and noticed his shampoo in the shower. I smelled it and immediately the dam broke. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I do feel better after having a good cry but I'm also sitting in bed cuddling a shampoo bottle instead of my sisters infamous t-shirt, sweatshirt or teddy bear. Is this normal?
Oh things just got beter. He just called. His opening line? "I know I'm not supposed to call, but I need help" Here I'm thinking, he forgot something at home, he needs it mailed. Nope. "The airport lost my luggage, what color suit should I buy" What?!?! Yes, it's true. So now I've started sobbing all over again. I'm his best friend too. The friend he calls when the airport looses his luggage and he doesn't know what suit to buy, when he's having a problem at work and needs to vent, when he doesn't know if he should change the shower head or leave the one that's in there, when he's not sure if he should take a job or not, when his mom is being a you-know-what and he wants to make rude, crude and socially unacceptable comments about her. Again, is this normal?
My sister comes in today. Sisters are like best friends in the way that it doesn't matter when you talk or how you talk, they are always there when you call. She'll know if it's normal.
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