टेक करे ऑफ़ यौर्सेल्फ़ मन!!!

ok well I posted once or twice without the foreign text, not sure how but I did it.

I am so totally burnt out I can't even begin to tell you. My advisor told me to start 'carving out time for myself' because I'm just so drained at the end of the week. So I have cut out Starbucks since it doesn't really fit into Weight Watchers. Well recently the weather has been so beautiful and I've been spending a lot of time between appointments on a bench or sitting in my car with all the windows down craving an iced Starbucks. So the other day I decided my way of taking care of myself was to get an iced Starbucks. I ran into my advisor inside and bragged that I was following his advise only to come outside to a parking ticket. So he comes out, sees me in a sobbing mess holding a parking ticket and creams across the parking lot "GOD DAMNIT CAN I NOT EVEN GET A FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE???!!!!??" Now I'm not really into swearing and I've never heard him swear either but man at that point I was crying cause I was laughing so hard!

It's just that I'm doing so much and I think I spend more time worrying, doing, talking, researching for my clients. No one else in the office is there for a full work day on a Sat so WHY AM I??? I'm not just doing 40 hrs a week. I'm doing school and work and working in any other paid hours I possibly can. Right now I'm dog sitting which is fine and I enjoy but it is so out of the way and she is supposed to be let out every three hours which doesn't really fit in my schedule but I REALLY need them money so I can't turn it down but it is just one more thing. I know things are going to get better and maybe next week I'll realize that 90% of this was PMS but right now it feels like I'll never make it to the end of the semester. I know I will, I always feel like this at the end but somehow even though it still upsets me.

Stressed

OK so I really am having a hard time digesting things that I'm dealing with in my internship. I guess part of it is that in the scheme of things the issues I'm dealing with are absolutely no big deal but they are still just tearing me apart inside. I come home completely drained everyday and then I spend the whole weekend trying to recover from the week and build myself up to be drained the next. I am looking for ways to first, not be so drained to begin with and secondly ways to recover from the week other than emotional eating and drinking;) I love going to get my nails done, wandering through TJMaxx or Target, sitting in a coffee shop drinking expensive lattes and things like that. The problem is that I'm doing my internship for free and all those things require money. I can do them on occasion but not as often as I need to recuperate. I joined the gym which has helped a little but I'm so tired and drained by the end of the day that getting there is borderline impossible. I tried going in the morning but I need every minute of sleep I can get to feel rested to begin with. I guess it is really something that I just need to sit down and seriously think about.

बेक ओं थे वेईघ्त वात्चेर्स वगों

Well I'm not really sure what to do about the title language. As I'm typing it shows in English but when I post it becomes that...any ideas?

After loosing 15 lbs on Weight watchers I totally fell off the wagon. I was really motivated by being thin when I saw my family at Christmas so I was pushing. Well Bailey was attacked by a pit bull so I essentially stayed home and sat on the couch cuddling her and eating and furthermore I couldn't leave her and go home for Christmas so I wasn't as motivated. At this point I have gained back all the weight plus a few pounds. I'm not even fitting into my fat clothes anymore so I had to go to Marshals and buy bigger fat clothes. So tomorrow I'm officially back on the wagon. I'm going to go to my favorite meeting and I will re-register my weight so I don't have to wait 20 lbs before the computer recognizes I'm back in loosing range. Part of me feels like it's pointless because I always fall off the wagon. I just don't know what to do with myself about it. I have a closet full of clothes that I've bought on clearance for when I loose the weight but I never get there. I think part of my problem is that I do a really good job for a while and I feel really good about myself and then I go try on those clothes and they still don't fit. I know that's no reason to stop...its that much more of a reason to keep going. It's just so discouraging that I "need" to emotionally eat and then I don't stop. I guess it isn't pointless to fall off the wagon because every time I do I learn how to make the next time better. I know the change in weather is going to be really nice, I'm going to want to be outside a lot more.

So moving right along...I smell a dirty diaper...I need to investigate.

गेत्तिंग स्तार्तेद

Everytime I write a title for this post it comes out in some sort of Eastern language...It's just not worth the hassel.

I think it's going to take me a couple posts to really give a complete update since I've been gone so long...I guess I'll catch up along the way. In a nutshell, my life is rather insane at the moment. I'm working 20 hours a week with the girls, 20 hours of internship and 15 hours of classes. I was daydreaming in class today thinking OMG, if you think about all the paperwork I'm doing for my internship (+/-10 hours depending on the week) and all the homework I'm doing (+/- 15-20 hrs/wk) I'm working give or take a 90 hour week. No wonder I can't get rid of the exhaustion!! Thank God Brian more or less makes me put it all away one weekend night a week for martini's, hot baths and movies. Sometimes I hate him for it but it's really the only time I sit down for a deep breath. As a whole things are pretty good though. If it weren't for being so worn out I would be relatively happy. Unfortunately I am interning at a place where there is a propensity for DSS/CPS involvement, it breaks my heart everytime I have to call them and that's pretty regularly. Sooner or later I'll get used to it and I won't come home with a pile of kleenex's on the floor of my car but at the same time I don't ever want to become cold hearted to it. Some of my supervisors are pretty cut off. I know to a degree you have to be and most of the ones I'm talking about work on the Sexual Trauma team so there has to be some sort of seperation and humor or how would you ever sleep at night? I guess there is a happy medium somewhere. Maybe the peaople I'm talking about are in that happy medium but looking at them as such a fresh therapist is hard. But this is the profession I have chosen and for the most part I enjoy it. I just need to get away from the kids. Watching the kids deal with this just kills me day in and day out. I need a rich couple who's biggest argument in life is how to spend that 20 million...In my dreams right;)

Starting New...

Okay so I'm so responsible about posting that I think I'm going to change my purpose. I think that part of my problem with blogging is that first, the blog isn't really relevant to my life anymore because I'm healthy and secondly, I have this expectation of myself that I'm going to write everyday which is pretty unrealistic for my life. So first I'm going to change the purpose of my blog and secondly change my expectations of myself. So that's what I'm working on for now and I will update soon.

Well, I promised to be better about posting but my computer went down AGAIN so I don't know how realistic that promise is. I'll do what I can.

I lost 7.8 lbs on WW this week. I was AMAZED. Mostly because I didn't even count points for two days and ate fish and chips and corn dogs and beer. Although I also walked/ran my butt off both those days so it must have evened out in the end. I'm scared about screwing up this week though. As long as I at least maintain this week I'm still well on my way to having lost 16 lbs by the time I go home. Can I tell a secret? The reason I want to be at that point going home is because I want to stick my toungue out at my extended family so to speak. I don't like Christmas with them all because it is so chaotic that you don't get quality time with anyone at all. Isn't the point of these things to spend time with the people you love? It is my plan to show my face and then disappear and let me tell you right now, no one will notice. Except maybe my dad cause he's the same way so he's going to be looking for someone to conspire with. I know I shouldn't want to loose weight for that reason but whatever works!

Update...

I feel like all I do is apologize for not posting so I'm not going to this time.

Things have been pretty good recently. School is really good. I like it a lot. The work is about the same but it is actually productive rather than busy work. I don't get along with one professor, I'm not really happy with him but that is to be expected. I didn't think moving to Salem was going to make my life perfect. Just different and different is better right now.

I am LOVING work. The girls are just amazing. I'm loving the stage they are in and it makes me feel so good when I walk in and they run to me and cry if I don't pcik them up right away. I think it's partly because they see me all the time but not all that because they have another babysitter they see just as much and they cry and cling to the legs of their mom and dad when she walks in. It just makes me feel good to have this relationship with them.

Where I live is pretty good too. I love the people I live with and I don't think that I would change anything about it...except maybe the bugs that are constantly getting in.

The one thing I am not satisfied with is my weight. I started Weight Watchers last week. I would really like to be 15lbs lighter by the time I go home for Christmas. I think that is a reasonable goal. Christmas is about two months away, 2 lbs a week is 16 lbs. so my goal is to loose two lbs a week. My first weigh in is tomorrow we'll see how I did last week.

OK so I'm going to try to be better about posting. I know there is a November challenge to post every day, I'm not going to go there because the posts will start to consist of the points I've eaten that day;) But I'll try to get better.

School is good!

I'm doing this to procrastinate doing the diagnosing that is due at 4:30 but hey, why not. School is really good. I like it a lor better. I'm really excited about it although it is going to be yet another long semester.

Brian is another topic I'll have to cover when I don't have school over my head. I don't know what is going to happen there. I don't really know what I want to happen there to be honest. I kinda put the ball in his court and I guess we're going to have to muddle through somehow. I'm tired of this on again off again thing and it makes me nervous about any sort of future we could have together.

I need to do school work. More later.

Home seems so much further away...

I guess Brian and I have really always had an on again off again relationship but I think it's off again for good this time. For the past year there has really always been something medically wrong with me and I guess that makes Brian feel like everything is always about me. Well for the last little while I've had some problems which have affected our relationship recently. Yesterday I went to the Dr and was diagnosed with yet another issue. Brian doesn't really want to be a part of it anymore. I guess I realized that there is always going to be something up with me. I'm always going to need to mediate what I need to keep my hormones sane and how much clot risk I'm willing to take on. If by some miracle I'm able to get pregnant there are going to be nine months where things are always going to be kinda about me. Brian wants it to be about him sometimes. I don't think that's unfair to ask but at the same time it's not like I'm creating these situations for attention. If he loves me he loves all of me right? To be honest, I'm not saying I can't do anything to improve but these things are so hard for me to deal with. I'm dealing with thoughts I never thought I'd have to worry about until I was in my 40's. I want Brian to sit down and hug me and tell me everything was ok. I don't want to worry about fighting with him because yet again it isn't about him. Yesterday my dr kinda hinted towards a hysterectomy because there isn't a whole lot of chance I can get pregnant and if I do I'm taking on risk of clotting so if this gets bad enough maybe that's something to think about. All I wanted was for him to come over and watch movies with me and tell me we'd work it out and it wouldn't come to that but all he did was call and talk about how he wanted me to make it about him. I don't know maybe that makes me the selfish one. This is going to be really hard though. Anyone else that I'm close to atr 1,700 miles away. What am I going to do if I get sick again? Brian is home here. I live in someone else's house. I like them and everything but I think of Brian's apartment as more like home, Brian himself is home here. For my program Im' supposed to be picking a state I want licesure in but I was thinking I'm just going to be following Brian around and that's ok as long as I'm with him I'm home...Now I don't really have one. My room at home was taken over by my sister and the room she left is now the guest bedroom, there isn't anywhere for me. My apartment looks like a bomb went off because I have boxes of eveything I left at Brian's. There is no where for me there anymore either. All of a sudden I feel lost. I don't know what to do. There is this cheap grocery store here that is always jam packed full of people so Brian and I have been going together and tag teaming it in order to get out with some sort of sanity left. I went by myself today so i was already a little upset walking in but I was doing pretty well. I wandered around glazed over but productively shopping when some kid whose idiot mom let him push the cart in a jam packed store ran the cart up on my foot. It took the skin off my foot and I was bleeding everywhere. All over my favorite shoes and pants, the Born espadrilles I got on Target clearance and the only pants that fit my huge bloated PMSing butt which of course are khaki. I lost it. I just burst into tears. If only Brian were there. Everything just seems off without him. We had our problems and I couldn't stand him sometimes but I love him so much.

School

Well school was kinda bad but I actually feel pretty good about it and that makes me feel good. I have a psycho prof teaching abnormal psychology but he doesn't believe there is such thing as abnormal. In fact, When he realized I was transferring in from the seminary he added that he feels that it is Christians who create abnormality and proceeded to go on about this for 45 minutes while asking me to comment along the way. After thinking about it I regret that I feel I might have given him permission. He asked where I transferred in from I told him and he said (SCHOOL NAME!) Why did you leave? I wasn't really prepared and I said that I wasn't as conservative as I needed to be to fit in there. By this I didn't mean that I WASN'T conservative I meant I'm not as conservative as the school. I feel that for a man who prides himself as being a world-renound psychologist, he sure doesn't especially have the ability to be non-offensive. His class is definitley not what I was looking forward to in this class but neither does he believe in grades so he only gives A's and F's. I tell you I thought profs like this were myths. But believe me, I'm going to be one of the A people and that doesn't seem to hard to do.

I had another class last night that is going to be ROUGH. The rest of the people in the class walked out hyperventalating but I didn't because I had a class like this in undergrad that I hyperventalated through.

All in all I'm pretty happy with it so I'll see how tonight goes.