If only I could click my little red shoes and go home...

Coming back to FL after a great visit home was really hard. I thought for sure after such a long visit I'd be ready to get back into my routine but I was miserable leaving and I've been bucking routine ever since I walked back through that door.

It doesn't help that I'm not enjoying my classes and I have I don't really like my practicum. I'm told that this is practicum and I just feel this way because I have to get used to it. I don't respond to that as well as one might like.

I have really intense clients and I love the challenges they present week in and week out but I'm not handling them the way I'm expected to by the program. I want to be ok with that. I want to say that this is my first semester with all these new things and of course I'm going to screw it up but that's what learning is for.....right? It's hard to remember that when I feel like such a failure after hearing my teams response to my therapy.

Unfortunately post-modern thought doesn't come as easily as modern thought does for me. I want it to and one day it will. I have to remind myself that Michael White, David Epston and Salvador Minuchin all sat in classes at one point and felt like a failure. It doesn't happen over night to anyone. We can't all be child prodigies or the idea woudn't exist to begin with. I guess I just wish my team were slightly more understanding of this theory.

I haven't gone out with friends since after my sister's wedding in October. My friends are taking me out to a much needed birthday dinner tomorrow night which I'm very excited about.

Something else I can hardly contain myself over??? My mom and sis are coming down for my sis' spring break! I know this is so cheesy but we've never been on vacation just the three of us and we will be together for a whole week with a beach made for post cards, just the three of us. Soon enough there will be babies and husbands and 'real' jobs in the way. I'm so excited for this and I can't wait to soak up every minute of it. I know it's dramatic but I realize more and more that the older we get the more things are in the way of just being together. I'm not being tragic, I don't expect any of us to die, more that this is our opportunity and when will we have it again? Maybe this will become the yearly tradition and every year I will be so excited to share the beach with my mom and sis but it's just as likely that this is a one time thing. I just can't even begin to tell you how thrilled it makes me to think about it.

Just can't sleep...

You know those nights where you just can't get your mind to stop? I think the emotions have kinda been building up this week and I let today get to me.

On Sunday I went back to the church I grew up in. I haven't walked through those doors in almost 12 years. I left a lot of skeletons there. I cried through the whole service, was kind of in a daze for a few hours after and then was just done with it. The thing is, I don't know why I was crying. I was kinda numb. I didn't feel anything but was crying anyway. Maybe I'm making it more of a deal than it should be. I've just never felt safe in church since I left there and I'm not sure I would ever be able to settle in there without advocating for myself but I don't know what that would look like. It doesn't matter now anyway. I think this has kinda been brewing in the back of my mind this week and thinking of going back for the next two weeks and Christmas Eve is not especially exciting. At the same time church has always been 'family time' and I'm not giving up on it either. Whatever.

So I've wanted this job for several months now and I had the interview today which either went extremely well or was a train wreck. I don't know. This is weighing on me though. It's over. There's nothing I can do about it now so I shouldn't stress but I'm SO anxious.

Then there's the guy I was pretty serious about that put some things up on FB that didn't give me warm fuzzies. It really has nothing to do with him or the fact that he has a crazy new girlfriend as much as he has a girlfriend and I'm alone. Let's then talk about the 250 people I grew up with that are now wandering around this town with spouse and child in tow. It's a constant and not so fun reminder. And, can I just say, if one more person says to me that I'm alone but I'm going to be a Dr and they aren't, I think I'll have a public temper tantrum including kicking, screaming and arm flailing. Contrary to popular belief, the two CAN, in fact, coexist. That's what rich men are for right?

I know none of it is really that big a deal, I think I just need to deal with it all and I'm not really sure how to do it at the moment. Jobs and loniliness have been a pretty constant stress recently. There's not anything I can do about either of them than what I'm already doing. I just have to wait and let God do what He's going to do with it. Regardless, it's hard for me to just walk away and forget it exsists in my life. I'm constantly obsessing. So these two things kinda come to a head today, I have to face them both while in the back of my mind I'm still trying to deal with the church thing. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Right now, I'm dealing with insomnia and venting...doesn't really get me very far. I just need to sleep. Things will be better in the morning. Xanax anyone?

OK, Maybe not

As the count of mistresses coming out of the woodwork, claiming to have slept with Tiger rises, I have to say what I said in my last post is less than accurate. I still stand by what I said, I believe that to be true. I just don't think it applies to Tiger in any way, shape or form. I think we're at 15 now but I'm not completely sure. Regardless, this is not a man who made one mistake and is trying to move on, this is a man that continuously sought out affairs over the last several years. He is obviously not the man that anyone believed him to be.

So this 'vacation' hasn't gone as I expected it would. I thought I would have a significant amount of time to study and pull things together to get ready for licensing exams and school next semester. There actually hasn't been a lot of time for that. It's really been one thing after another. I have really enjoyed being home. It makes me realize how much I miss it which isn't so great cause I was miserable before.

I think I 'rediscovered' my best friend the few days before I left. It was really nice actually. I think that will help. I met him 9 years ago this month and started visiting him in FL soon after. His house is familiar and more comforting than I expected it to be. I was actually really surprised at how safe and comforting it felt to be there. I guess its that I know it. It's really the only place in FL that I knew previous to moving.

I know that sometime soon FL will feel more like home. Part of me looks forward to that cause I desperately want a place where I feel I belong. On the other hand, it will never be home and I don't really want to ever feel that FL is home. I guess this isn't the best situation to be in or put myself in really. I'm not really sure what to do about it though. I guess just let it slide.

Whatever the case may be, it's just a few years. I can get through it.

Tiger vs Elin

If you found out your spouse were having an affair, would you beat his car with a golf club?

I think I'm more of a passive aggressor than the golf club swinging type. One expects stories like these to come out about the less than virtuous celebrities but this one was a shock to me. Call me naive, overly trusting, or just plain stupid but I still want to believe that good man *DO* exist. Tiger puts on a good show, on the course and now apparently, off as well. One of my favorite marriage and family therapy books is about how good people have affairs and "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not necessarily as tried and true as one might think. Sometimes people make mistakes and find themselves in a place they never expected or wanted. I'm not condoning this in any way, shape, or form but I'm reading a lot about how terrible men are in light of this story. I have to say I still have hope, it's depleting, but hope none the less.

In no way am I suggesting this is OK or that I wouldn't be angry enough to destroy a car with a golf club but I think my view on this matter is different than most. I won't take all day to explain it but mistakes are forgivable.

Maybe I should shine a light on my current predicament. I just came home from spending a week camping with my recently wed sister and my newly empty nesting parents. Fifth wheel does not even express a tenth of what that meant to me. I'm certainly not desperate and I believe my recent dating habits would be proof of that, but I am desperately yearning for something more. I sit here thinking, I am way over my head in ten things and just overall life in general. What I wouldn't give to have support and someone to corroborate with and lean on. I don't need help. I'm a big girl and I've been doing it on my own for a while. It would just be nice to have someone there. I'm totally over this "single life is cool" phase. I'm also not in a place where I want to settle just so these needs are met. I want something real.

Four years of classes on marriage make me smart enough to know that no relationship is perfect. I can sit here all day long and piously declare I'll never have an affair but I'm not perfect. I can mostly guarantee that I won't have an affair but I can also mostly guarantee I'll make some other huge mistake over the course of my marriage. That doesn't make any of it ok by any means but I think there is a difference between a man who has a rocky marriage and strays unintentionally and one that repeatedly, without fail, searches for extramarital affairs.

Now, I'm not 'in' on what really happened between Tiger and Elin but what if Tiger Woods is a man that made one mistake and is desperately trying to rectify it for the sake of his family? What if we the public, are denying him his right to privacy and in the process annihilating any chance of redemption? I know there are plenty of arguments to go along with that starting with, they live in the public eye, but really, does that make it ok? I don't think it does. I think he has a right to ask that his privacy be respected and I think it should be. I don't think it will be, but I'm just one person and can't do anything about that.

At the end of the day, I've been watching Tiger for the past few years and haven't seen much questionable behavior. Can't we forgive him just this once? I promise, he does it again and I'll string him up, right along with the rest of you.

It's over!

I can't believe I have made it through my first semester as a Ph.D student. It's so weird. I don't think I ever worried that I wouldn't make it I guess it's just surreal, a couple years from now I'll be a Dr....Holy crap! I have had it in my head for years that this is what I wanted to do and I just kept going. I don't think it ever really set in that I got here. It still blows my mind.

I'm determined that FL is going to be better. I feel like once I get a job and get back on my feet I will be happier here. I know it sounds strange but I'm kinda sad I'm leaving for five weeks. I can't wait to be home and it doesn't make sense to go there for Thanksgiving, come back and go back for Christmas when there isnt' a job or school to come back for. I want to be at home. I guess I'm also trying to get used to things here so it kinda feels weird to leave for so long.

I'm looking forward to coming back to a new start with financial aid all worked out and a job school will seem so much more manageable. I'm looking forward to getting back. Brian is coming for New Years so that will help with the transition back here from being home so long. I'll get there.

Wow, One day this will be funny...

A few weeks ago I had a dead battery. I called AAA, a fabulous man who grew up near my hometown came out, jumped me and cleaned the corosion. I felt it was too expensive to have him replace my battery for $120 when I could go to Wal Mart and get the same battery for $70. Hindsight being 20/20 I would have had my AAA saviour give me the battery.

Over the last few days I've noticed a couple little things, nothing mind blowing, just "huh, that's interesting." So yesterday I called my AAA man and said "hey dude, you said you'd come back and replace my clamp, today good?" He came by, did his thing, and in passing I mentioned my observations. He said, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. OK so today when I was in rush hour traffic in the middle lane of a major intersection and my car wouldn't move...should I think about fixing it? Well, as most single girls my age living out of town the first thing I did was call my Daddy because of course he can do something about it from over 1,000 miles away. When he didn't answer I called my AAA man. Ten minutes later, after three good samaritans pushed my car out of the intersection, my prince in AAA uniform arrived.

Of course the car starts right up for him but then shuts right back down for me. AAA man takes me to the shop where the AAA trucks are maintenanced and tells them to take good care of me...oh great I'm all set, I sit back, get the wireless access code and play on FB...three hours, $275 later, I'm driving down the street to the next not so major intersection where I have deja vu. I walk my fat ass back to the AAA place and they go back and get my car. OK, back to FB. Well an hour and a half later Mr Big Wig AAA man goes for a test drive. 45 min later I'm thinking this is a pretty intense test drive when Mr AAA gopher man comes and says my car broke down, it's at another automotive place he's taking me to it. At this point I'm slightly concerned tell him I need to use the restroom and then I'm ready....Ok I'm done, go to wash my hands and knew it was going to happen, whatched it and couldn't move fast enough oh...oh...faster, grap it...missed. Cell phone in the toilet. Me, the brilliant human being that I am goes and gets it because of course you have to give it to the verizon man when you ask for your replacement because you did have forsight to insure the phone.

I get to the next place who is looking at my car. He says he's keeping the car for a few days....fifteen thoughts go through my head while I, of course, immediately commence hiccupping sobs I try desperatly to hide...in vain of course.
1. I have no phone
2. even if I had a phone who would I call to get me
3. I have no phone
4. I just moved here and have no numbers memorized for people who could even possibly come get me
5. I'm driving to CLT in a couple days
6. I have no phone
7. Where's my Daddy?
8. I just spent $275, how much you going to charge me?
9. How many days till I get to move out of this God-forsaken-hell -hole?
10. how am I getting to Verizon to get my new phone, old one soaking toilet water through my jeans pocket, and then home?
11. When am I going to finally feel like I'm not drowning with no hope of a life jacket?
12. Can my Daddy move to FLA and do this stuff for me?
13. I want to call my Mommy.
14. I have no phone
15. I don't even know where to start

After much deliberation I hack numbers off FB and start tracking down numbers through the assistant's phone who just btw was satan's mistress. My wonderful and amazing new best friend forever drived (ok so I meant drove here, cut me some slack, it's been a bad day) the 30 miles to come get me. 20 miles into this trip I was told problem solved give him 10 minutes. Call friend back, visit Hooters for the first time for a drink...go back just a little happier.

So I get back and he tells me he's charging me $140 which, he says is a great deal and oh, btw, it's all Wal Mart's fault. Apparently when I was saving myself $50 by going to Wal Mart, the lovlies at Wal Mart forgot to connect the battery and computer meaning the computer was running on memory and ran out. They of course took 8 hours to find this because you would never expect such a significant wire to be disconnected. Oh and you have to take the battery and engine apart to see it. Moral of the story: Don't go to Wal Mart, pay the wonderful AAA guy the extra $50, I promise, the following $400 is certainly not worth it.

PS Did you know that when you drop a phone in the toilet they send it in the mail instead of giving it to you? In this day and age of no land lines this can leave a person without communication for an untold period of time....just a thought.

What's Missing?

I feel like I'm on the train in the book The Little Engine That Could, I keep chugging along, clearing everything on my track no matter how daunting it is. It seems that just as soon as I clear something, something else arises. Even the little engine that could gets tired after a while. When I first moved here things were really hard because it's new and I missed Boston home and Charlotte home and Fort Lauderdale is not, nor will it ever be, home. I left behind incredible parents and friends in both cities that are irreplaceable. More and more I realize what an unwavering constant Brian was in my life. He was there for it all and made the transition to Boston livable. There's no transition here, I feel I have no where to fall. Being single was pretty cool at first. I did my own thing, didn't have to consider someone else and got to be selfish for a while. Now that its been a year, its not fun and I realize I like having someone else to think about. This week has been interesting, I haven't really slept. The bed seems so empty which is strange because it's never been full.

You know what's the kicker? I don't know if I even want anyone right now. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I desperately want someone else to think of but it's hard to fit much of anything in my life right now. I don't even know how I'm going to work let alone find time to devote to someone else. I know that's so contradictory.

Maybe that's what I just tell myself to take away the sting. If I've heard my mom once I've heard her 2 million times that I'm right where God wants me to be. I likely wouldn't be in school now if I were married, I get that, I do, its not any less lonely. I just think maybe since I've weeded through a lot of interesting characters God is going to reward me with someone amazing, if I can only be patient enough to see it.

I wander around here feeling like something is missing. I go to school...check. I don't have a job but I'm looking...check. Finding FLL friends...check. What isn't there? Could it be that even after a year I feel a hole where a man used to be? Does part of me feel like that's missing? Consciously I don't feel that way. In my head I know this is where I want to be and if a man comes along great (ya, ok, that's a little less desperate than I really am but whatever.) Reality is that if I came across that one man that was passionate about what I'm passionate about and as dedicated to me as I want to be to him, there wouldn't be a problem. Maybe it's selfish but I don't want to be second to a job anymore, I don't want to struggle anymore. I know relationships are tough and maybe this is idealistic but there's someone out there who is going to put me before a job that I don't have to stuggle with everyday who is going to work with me instead of against me when times get tough. He's going to think I'm' cute even when I'm emotional and unreasonable. He will be my missing piece. He's out there and I'm going to find him.

18 months is a little over the top...

OK, so I make no promises here. I do really enjoy writing in a blog but somehow I just never get to it.

I live in Ft Luderdale now. I'm going to school for my Ph.D in marriage and family therapy. I look back on the posts and how rough I thought the Masters program was...HA! But I made it through that with flying colors and I'm going to do the same here.

It's beyond incredibly difficult to live without my family. When I moved to Boston I had Brian and my 'northern parents,' here I have no one. Its so hard. I have made friends, some really great people. It just takes time before those relationships develop into something that suffices for family. I think this place has a lot of potential. How could it not? I live 20 minutes from a beach perfectly suitable for postcards that I can visit all year around. My apartment is incredible and I love my school.

I'm going to Nova Southeastern University. It has a very different approach to therapy. Honestly, at first I really wasn't all that aware of that but luckily I'm a 'very different approach to therapy' kinda girl. Its overwhelming at times, especially when I think of having to add a job to all of it. I've been looking for a job here for quite some time with no avail. Even without a job sometimes the work doesn't get done to the best of my ability due to time constraint. Often I think part of that time constraint is ADHD but what are you gonna do?;)

I am hoping to have my first visitor next weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. It gets pretty lonely up on the 8th floor, all by myself. I wouldn't change it. I really am enjoying living alone. It's nice but lonely at the same time. If I had a fabulous friend 10 minutes away I could drop in on it would be perfect. Let's hope for that.

OK so like I said, I make no promises but I'm really going to try to make this a more frequent thing. I think it would be good for me.

गेत्तिंग टू थे एंड

Well I'm getting to the end here and I'm feeling better and better. I am finished with everything except for this one paper. It's a 15 page APA research article. I know I could sit down and just do it but I'm dragging. I just need to do it. I'm ready for a break. But my head has already started the break which is a problem. I started a book and I'm already 3/4 done with it and it feels SOOOO good. I am addicted to my iPod. I listen to books on it. I bought the James Patterson women's murder club series but I already had the 4th book so I listened to the first three and the series is so good that I just had to start the book. I went to start it over a month ago so I can't even tell you how good it feels!

The only thing that sucks at the moment is that I don't like being a grown up. This time that school is out I still have to work. Usually when I get to a break in school I just veg for a few days and feel 100x's better and am recharged. I'm not sure how to go about getting recharged this time. I'm going to have to learn but I'm excited about the break either way!

The next hill I have to climb is Weight Watchers. I'm really struggling here. I don't even know how to begin to put this issue into words and furthermore it's a little embarrassing to talk about. I think I'm going to use my time outside school to try to get this more under control. I bought fat pants for my fat pants the other day and I just wanted to curl up inside myself and die. I will have to gain control over this!

गेत्तिंग तेरे...

OK, so seriously. If anyone knows how to fix the title please leave a comment!

Things are still stressing me out compeletely, more now than last time I posted but I know that it is because it is the end of the semester. This is just how the last of the semester feels.

Other than that I'm in a pretty good place. I'm housesitting so I have a whole house to myself other than the two cutest most needy puppies ever, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do still have a couple cases that are grating on me but otherwise I have settled into a good place with cases too. I wish I could post more about my cases, vent more about them you know? Legally I would never get my liscence if I did that but it is so hard starting out and not being able to vent to anyone about it. My cases aren't that bad really. It is just that I am new with these things and I can't process this as well as the next person with 20 years of experience. Experience is what I need and experience takes time.

टेक करे ऑफ़ यौर्सेल्फ़ मन!!!

ok well I posted once or twice without the foreign text, not sure how but I did it.

I am so totally burnt out I can't even begin to tell you. My advisor told me to start 'carving out time for myself' because I'm just so drained at the end of the week. So I have cut out Starbucks since it doesn't really fit into Weight Watchers. Well recently the weather has been so beautiful and I've been spending a lot of time between appointments on a bench or sitting in my car with all the windows down craving an iced Starbucks. So the other day I decided my way of taking care of myself was to get an iced Starbucks. I ran into my advisor inside and bragged that I was following his advise only to come outside to a parking ticket. So he comes out, sees me in a sobbing mess holding a parking ticket and creams across the parking lot "GOD DAMNIT CAN I NOT EVEN GET A FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE???!!!!??" Now I'm not really into swearing and I've never heard him swear either but man at that point I was crying cause I was laughing so hard!

It's just that I'm doing so much and I think I spend more time worrying, doing, talking, researching for my clients. No one else in the office is there for a full work day on a Sat so WHY AM I??? I'm not just doing 40 hrs a week. I'm doing school and work and working in any other paid hours I possibly can. Right now I'm dog sitting which is fine and I enjoy but it is so out of the way and she is supposed to be let out every three hours which doesn't really fit in my schedule but I REALLY need them money so I can't turn it down but it is just one more thing. I know things are going to get better and maybe next week I'll realize that 90% of this was PMS but right now it feels like I'll never make it to the end of the semester. I know I will, I always feel like this at the end but somehow even though it still upsets me.

Stressed

OK so I really am having a hard time digesting things that I'm dealing with in my internship. I guess part of it is that in the scheme of things the issues I'm dealing with are absolutely no big deal but they are still just tearing me apart inside. I come home completely drained everyday and then I spend the whole weekend trying to recover from the week and build myself up to be drained the next. I am looking for ways to first, not be so drained to begin with and secondly ways to recover from the week other than emotional eating and drinking;) I love going to get my nails done, wandering through TJMaxx or Target, sitting in a coffee shop drinking expensive lattes and things like that. The problem is that I'm doing my internship for free and all those things require money. I can do them on occasion but not as often as I need to recuperate. I joined the gym which has helped a little but I'm so tired and drained by the end of the day that getting there is borderline impossible. I tried going in the morning but I need every minute of sleep I can get to feel rested to begin with. I guess it is really something that I just need to sit down and seriously think about.

बेक ओं थे वेईघ्त वात्चेर्स वगों

Well I'm not really sure what to do about the title language. As I'm typing it shows in English but when I post it becomes that...any ideas?

After loosing 15 lbs on Weight watchers I totally fell off the wagon. I was really motivated by being thin when I saw my family at Christmas so I was pushing. Well Bailey was attacked by a pit bull so I essentially stayed home and sat on the couch cuddling her and eating and furthermore I couldn't leave her and go home for Christmas so I wasn't as motivated. At this point I have gained back all the weight plus a few pounds. I'm not even fitting into my fat clothes anymore so I had to go to Marshals and buy bigger fat clothes. So tomorrow I'm officially back on the wagon. I'm going to go to my favorite meeting and I will re-register my weight so I don't have to wait 20 lbs before the computer recognizes I'm back in loosing range. Part of me feels like it's pointless because I always fall off the wagon. I just don't know what to do with myself about it. I have a closet full of clothes that I've bought on clearance for when I loose the weight but I never get there. I think part of my problem is that I do a really good job for a while and I feel really good about myself and then I go try on those clothes and they still don't fit. I know that's no reason to stop...its that much more of a reason to keep going. It's just so discouraging that I "need" to emotionally eat and then I don't stop. I guess it isn't pointless to fall off the wagon because every time I do I learn how to make the next time better. I know the change in weather is going to be really nice, I'm going to want to be outside a lot more.

So moving right along...I smell a dirty diaper...I need to investigate.

गेत्तिंग स्तार्तेद

Everytime I write a title for this post it comes out in some sort of Eastern language...It's just not worth the hassel.

I think it's going to take me a couple posts to really give a complete update since I've been gone so long...I guess I'll catch up along the way. In a nutshell, my life is rather insane at the moment. I'm working 20 hours a week with the girls, 20 hours of internship and 15 hours of classes. I was daydreaming in class today thinking OMG, if you think about all the paperwork I'm doing for my internship (+/-10 hours depending on the week) and all the homework I'm doing (+/- 15-20 hrs/wk) I'm working give or take a 90 hour week. No wonder I can't get rid of the exhaustion!! Thank God Brian more or less makes me put it all away one weekend night a week for martini's, hot baths and movies. Sometimes I hate him for it but it's really the only time I sit down for a deep breath. As a whole things are pretty good though. If it weren't for being so worn out I would be relatively happy. Unfortunately I am interning at a place where there is a propensity for DSS/CPS involvement, it breaks my heart everytime I have to call them and that's pretty regularly. Sooner or later I'll get used to it and I won't come home with a pile of kleenex's on the floor of my car but at the same time I don't ever want to become cold hearted to it. Some of my supervisors are pretty cut off. I know to a degree you have to be and most of the ones I'm talking about work on the Sexual Trauma team so there has to be some sort of seperation and humor or how would you ever sleep at night? I guess there is a happy medium somewhere. Maybe the peaople I'm talking about are in that happy medium but looking at them as such a fresh therapist is hard. But this is the profession I have chosen and for the most part I enjoy it. I just need to get away from the kids. Watching the kids deal with this just kills me day in and day out. I need a rich couple who's biggest argument in life is how to spend that 20 million...In my dreams right;)

Starting New...

Okay so I'm so responsible about posting that I think I'm going to change my purpose. I think that part of my problem with blogging is that first, the blog isn't really relevant to my life anymore because I'm healthy and secondly, I have this expectation of myself that I'm going to write everyday which is pretty unrealistic for my life. So first I'm going to change the purpose of my blog and secondly change my expectations of myself. So that's what I'm working on for now and I will update soon.

Well, I promised to be better about posting but my computer went down AGAIN so I don't know how realistic that promise is. I'll do what I can.

I lost 7.8 lbs on WW this week. I was AMAZED. Mostly because I didn't even count points for two days and ate fish and chips and corn dogs and beer. Although I also walked/ran my butt off both those days so it must have evened out in the end. I'm scared about screwing up this week though. As long as I at least maintain this week I'm still well on my way to having lost 16 lbs by the time I go home. Can I tell a secret? The reason I want to be at that point going home is because I want to stick my toungue out at my extended family so to speak. I don't like Christmas with them all because it is so chaotic that you don't get quality time with anyone at all. Isn't the point of these things to spend time with the people you love? It is my plan to show my face and then disappear and let me tell you right now, no one will notice. Except maybe my dad cause he's the same way so he's going to be looking for someone to conspire with. I know I shouldn't want to loose weight for that reason but whatever works!

Update...

I feel like all I do is apologize for not posting so I'm not going to this time.

Things have been pretty good recently. School is really good. I like it a lot. The work is about the same but it is actually productive rather than busy work. I don't get along with one professor, I'm not really happy with him but that is to be expected. I didn't think moving to Salem was going to make my life perfect. Just different and different is better right now.

I am LOVING work. The girls are just amazing. I'm loving the stage they are in and it makes me feel so good when I walk in and they run to me and cry if I don't pcik them up right away. I think it's partly because they see me all the time but not all that because they have another babysitter they see just as much and they cry and cling to the legs of their mom and dad when she walks in. It just makes me feel good to have this relationship with them.

Where I live is pretty good too. I love the people I live with and I don't think that I would change anything about it...except maybe the bugs that are constantly getting in.

The one thing I am not satisfied with is my weight. I started Weight Watchers last week. I would really like to be 15lbs lighter by the time I go home for Christmas. I think that is a reasonable goal. Christmas is about two months away, 2 lbs a week is 16 lbs. so my goal is to loose two lbs a week. My first weigh in is tomorrow we'll see how I did last week.

OK so I'm going to try to be better about posting. I know there is a November challenge to post every day, I'm not going to go there because the posts will start to consist of the points I've eaten that day;) But I'll try to get better.

School is good!

I'm doing this to procrastinate doing the diagnosing that is due at 4:30 but hey, why not. School is really good. I like it a lor better. I'm really excited about it although it is going to be yet another long semester.

Brian is another topic I'll have to cover when I don't have school over my head. I don't know what is going to happen there. I don't really know what I want to happen there to be honest. I kinda put the ball in his court and I guess we're going to have to muddle through somehow. I'm tired of this on again off again thing and it makes me nervous about any sort of future we could have together.

I need to do school work. More later.

Home seems so much further away...

I guess Brian and I have really always had an on again off again relationship but I think it's off again for good this time. For the past year there has really always been something medically wrong with me and I guess that makes Brian feel like everything is always about me. Well for the last little while I've had some problems which have affected our relationship recently. Yesterday I went to the Dr and was diagnosed with yet another issue. Brian doesn't really want to be a part of it anymore. I guess I realized that there is always going to be something up with me. I'm always going to need to mediate what I need to keep my hormones sane and how much clot risk I'm willing to take on. If by some miracle I'm able to get pregnant there are going to be nine months where things are always going to be kinda about me. Brian wants it to be about him sometimes. I don't think that's unfair to ask but at the same time it's not like I'm creating these situations for attention. If he loves me he loves all of me right? To be honest, I'm not saying I can't do anything to improve but these things are so hard for me to deal with. I'm dealing with thoughts I never thought I'd have to worry about until I was in my 40's. I want Brian to sit down and hug me and tell me everything was ok. I don't want to worry about fighting with him because yet again it isn't about him. Yesterday my dr kinda hinted towards a hysterectomy because there isn't a whole lot of chance I can get pregnant and if I do I'm taking on risk of clotting so if this gets bad enough maybe that's something to think about. All I wanted was for him to come over and watch movies with me and tell me we'd work it out and it wouldn't come to that but all he did was call and talk about how he wanted me to make it about him. I don't know maybe that makes me the selfish one. This is going to be really hard though. Anyone else that I'm close to atr 1,700 miles away. What am I going to do if I get sick again? Brian is home here. I live in someone else's house. I like them and everything but I think of Brian's apartment as more like home, Brian himself is home here. For my program Im' supposed to be picking a state I want licesure in but I was thinking I'm just going to be following Brian around and that's ok as long as I'm with him I'm home...Now I don't really have one. My room at home was taken over by my sister and the room she left is now the guest bedroom, there isn't anywhere for me. My apartment looks like a bomb went off because I have boxes of eveything I left at Brian's. There is no where for me there anymore either. All of a sudden I feel lost. I don't know what to do. There is this cheap grocery store here that is always jam packed full of people so Brian and I have been going together and tag teaming it in order to get out with some sort of sanity left. I went by myself today so i was already a little upset walking in but I was doing pretty well. I wandered around glazed over but productively shopping when some kid whose idiot mom let him push the cart in a jam packed store ran the cart up on my foot. It took the skin off my foot and I was bleeding everywhere. All over my favorite shoes and pants, the Born espadrilles I got on Target clearance and the only pants that fit my huge bloated PMSing butt which of course are khaki. I lost it. I just burst into tears. If only Brian were there. Everything just seems off without him. We had our problems and I couldn't stand him sometimes but I love him so much.

School

Well school was kinda bad but I actually feel pretty good about it and that makes me feel good. I have a psycho prof teaching abnormal psychology but he doesn't believe there is such thing as abnormal. In fact, When he realized I was transferring in from the seminary he added that he feels that it is Christians who create abnormality and proceeded to go on about this for 45 minutes while asking me to comment along the way. After thinking about it I regret that I feel I might have given him permission. He asked where I transferred in from I told him and he said (SCHOOL NAME!) Why did you leave? I wasn't really prepared and I said that I wasn't as conservative as I needed to be to fit in there. By this I didn't mean that I WASN'T conservative I meant I'm not as conservative as the school. I feel that for a man who prides himself as being a world-renound psychologist, he sure doesn't especially have the ability to be non-offensive. His class is definitley not what I was looking forward to in this class but neither does he believe in grades so he only gives A's and F's. I tell you I thought profs like this were myths. But believe me, I'm going to be one of the A people and that doesn't seem to hard to do.

I had another class last night that is going to be ROUGH. The rest of the people in the class walked out hyperventalating but I didn't because I had a class like this in undergrad that I hyperventalated through.

All in all I'm pretty happy with it so I'll see how tonight goes.