I don't know what to do...

with my relationship with Brian. We don't seem to be able to get on the same page at all since we broke up. There is a bigger issue going on, one that I don't really want to talk about with anyone other than him. I wonder if that's the reason we are having a hard time right now so I don't want to cut it off but at the same time my heart is being pulled apart at the moment. I feel like one day he's ok with...say holding hands and then the next day holding hands is the cardinal sin. He doesn't see it that way he feels like I'm pushing to start the relationship again. I am but I'm not. I am interested in seeing where the relationship goes and keeping the maintenance of it but I'm not interested in getting back together tomorrow. You know when you want to cry so bad and there is this lump in your throat so big that your chest feels heavy and you can't take a deep breath...that's me but I can't cry. I've had this feeling for a couple days now, the dam will break a little and a few tears will come out but I need a good *hard* gasping and hiccuping kind of cry. Maybe our relationship wasn't perfect and maybe I've seen this coming for a while but that doesn't take away that this is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the one I pictured playing in the backyard with our kids with, and pictured waiting in out pront porch rockers for our grandkids to arrive with. Regardless of whether or not we get back together I'm mourning the time we are spending apart. Call it draumatic but it is so hard to to do this and I don't know whether to be the cold heartless bitch or the welcome mat.