Well, I promised to be better about posting but my computer went down AGAIN so I don't know how realistic that promise is. I'll do what I can.

I lost 7.8 lbs on WW this week. I was AMAZED. Mostly because I didn't even count points for two days and ate fish and chips and corn dogs and beer. Although I also walked/ran my butt off both those days so it must have evened out in the end. I'm scared about screwing up this week though. As long as I at least maintain this week I'm still well on my way to having lost 16 lbs by the time I go home. Can I tell a secret? The reason I want to be at that point going home is because I want to stick my toungue out at my extended family so to speak. I don't like Christmas with them all because it is so chaotic that you don't get quality time with anyone at all. Isn't the point of these things to spend time with the people you love? It is my plan to show my face and then disappear and let me tell you right now, no one will notice. Except maybe my dad cause he's the same way so he's going to be looking for someone to conspire with. I know I shouldn't want to loose weight for that reason but whatever works!

Update...

I feel like all I do is apologize for not posting so I'm not going to this time.

Things have been pretty good recently. School is really good. I like it a lot. The work is about the same but it is actually productive rather than busy work. I don't get along with one professor, I'm not really happy with him but that is to be expected. I didn't think moving to Salem was going to make my life perfect. Just different and different is better right now.

I am LOVING work. The girls are just amazing. I'm loving the stage they are in and it makes me feel so good when I walk in and they run to me and cry if I don't pcik them up right away. I think it's partly because they see me all the time but not all that because they have another babysitter they see just as much and they cry and cling to the legs of their mom and dad when she walks in. It just makes me feel good to have this relationship with them.

Where I live is pretty good too. I love the people I live with and I don't think that I would change anything about it...except maybe the bugs that are constantly getting in.

The one thing I am not satisfied with is my weight. I started Weight Watchers last week. I would really like to be 15lbs lighter by the time I go home for Christmas. I think that is a reasonable goal. Christmas is about two months away, 2 lbs a week is 16 lbs. so my goal is to loose two lbs a week. My first weigh in is tomorrow we'll see how I did last week.

OK so I'm going to try to be better about posting. I know there is a November challenge to post every day, I'm not going to go there because the posts will start to consist of the points I've eaten that day;) But I'll try to get better.

School is good!

I'm doing this to procrastinate doing the diagnosing that is due at 4:30 but hey, why not. School is really good. I like it a lor better. I'm really excited about it although it is going to be yet another long semester.

Brian is another topic I'll have to cover when I don't have school over my head. I don't know what is going to happen there. I don't really know what I want to happen there to be honest. I kinda put the ball in his court and I guess we're going to have to muddle through somehow. I'm tired of this on again off again thing and it makes me nervous about any sort of future we could have together.

I need to do school work. More later.

Home seems so much further away...

I guess Brian and I have really always had an on again off again relationship but I think it's off again for good this time. For the past year there has really always been something medically wrong with me and I guess that makes Brian feel like everything is always about me. Well for the last little while I've had some problems which have affected our relationship recently. Yesterday I went to the Dr and was diagnosed with yet another issue. Brian doesn't really want to be a part of it anymore. I guess I realized that there is always going to be something up with me. I'm always going to need to mediate what I need to keep my hormones sane and how much clot risk I'm willing to take on. If by some miracle I'm able to get pregnant there are going to be nine months where things are always going to be kinda about me. Brian wants it to be about him sometimes. I don't think that's unfair to ask but at the same time it's not like I'm creating these situations for attention. If he loves me he loves all of me right? To be honest, I'm not saying I can't do anything to improve but these things are so hard for me to deal with. I'm dealing with thoughts I never thought I'd have to worry about until I was in my 40's. I want Brian to sit down and hug me and tell me everything was ok. I don't want to worry about fighting with him because yet again it isn't about him. Yesterday my dr kinda hinted towards a hysterectomy because there isn't a whole lot of chance I can get pregnant and if I do I'm taking on risk of clotting so if this gets bad enough maybe that's something to think about. All I wanted was for him to come over and watch movies with me and tell me we'd work it out and it wouldn't come to that but all he did was call and talk about how he wanted me to make it about him. I don't know maybe that makes me the selfish one. This is going to be really hard though. Anyone else that I'm close to atr 1,700 miles away. What am I going to do if I get sick again? Brian is home here. I live in someone else's house. I like them and everything but I think of Brian's apartment as more like home, Brian himself is home here. For my program Im' supposed to be picking a state I want licesure in but I was thinking I'm just going to be following Brian around and that's ok as long as I'm with him I'm home...Now I don't really have one. My room at home was taken over by my sister and the room she left is now the guest bedroom, there isn't anywhere for me. My apartment looks like a bomb went off because I have boxes of eveything I left at Brian's. There is no where for me there anymore either. All of a sudden I feel lost. I don't know what to do. There is this cheap grocery store here that is always jam packed full of people so Brian and I have been going together and tag teaming it in order to get out with some sort of sanity left. I went by myself today so i was already a little upset walking in but I was doing pretty well. I wandered around glazed over but productively shopping when some kid whose idiot mom let him push the cart in a jam packed store ran the cart up on my foot. It took the skin off my foot and I was bleeding everywhere. All over my favorite shoes and pants, the Born espadrilles I got on Target clearance and the only pants that fit my huge bloated PMSing butt which of course are khaki. I lost it. I just burst into tears. If only Brian were there. Everything just seems off without him. We had our problems and I couldn't stand him sometimes but I love him so much.

School

Well school was kinda bad but I actually feel pretty good about it and that makes me feel good. I have a psycho prof teaching abnormal psychology but he doesn't believe there is such thing as abnormal. In fact, When he realized I was transferring in from the seminary he added that he feels that it is Christians who create abnormality and proceeded to go on about this for 45 minutes while asking me to comment along the way. After thinking about it I regret that I feel I might have given him permission. He asked where I transferred in from I told him and he said (SCHOOL NAME!) Why did you leave? I wasn't really prepared and I said that I wasn't as conservative as I needed to be to fit in there. By this I didn't mean that I WASN'T conservative I meant I'm not as conservative as the school. I feel that for a man who prides himself as being a world-renound psychologist, he sure doesn't especially have the ability to be non-offensive. His class is definitley not what I was looking forward to in this class but neither does he believe in grades so he only gives A's and F's. I tell you I thought profs like this were myths. But believe me, I'm going to be one of the A people and that doesn't seem to hard to do.

I had another class last night that is going to be ROUGH. The rest of the people in the class walked out hyperventalating but I didn't because I had a class like this in undergrad that I hyperventalated through.

All in all I'm pretty happy with it so I'll see how tonight goes.

Things are much less chaotic now...

I haven't written in forever...my computer crashed and things just snowballed from there. Long story short, I finished my classes and due to several factors chose to transfer schools. I think I'm going to be much happier in the school I'm in now. There is a lot more diversity there creating more opportunity to make friends. Not to mention I'll be out in a year and tuition is half of what I was paying because this is a state school as opposed to seminary. Not that I regret going to seminary, it is just a lot different than what I pictured going in I guess and I didn't fit in at all. I think the new school is going to be good for me. It is basically a smaller version of my undergrad school so I feel more at home and I know the way things are, I know where and how to fit in, etc etc.

So I took last week off and it wasn't much like a vacation but it was still nice not to have to work. I came back to work today and school starts tonight. The girls are so big even compared to last week. I'm exhausted though, I'm chasing them both in different directions and today they were on off nap schedules so I didn't have a break. I usually don't do that. They both go down no matter what but their mom let K sleep so I just let her keep sleeping since she wasn't going to go down anyway and as soon as she woke up Q was ready to go down. Either way I think this semester is going to be much better than past semesters. I've taken on a MUCH more reasonable work schedule and so far (knock on wood) there isn't as much work as in seminary. Hopefully this means much less stress and maybe even a little down time on the weekends...I don't want to get my hopes up though;)

All in all, there are still things I need to work on and work out but I can't really complain. Things seem more or less in order, less stress and I have routine. I have two classes tonight and will come home with two syllabi so we'll see if I feel the same then;)

My Computer Crashed....

...Yeah, big help to the blood pressure. My classes are due in less than two weeks, I haven't even started one and I have no computer. I'm spending my time bribing Brian for his. And I thought it could only get better...

High Blood Pressure...

....Yeah....I'm done. I'm 23 years old. I'm eating healthy, loosing weight yet my BP rises, lets see what might that suggest? STRESS. My Dr told me that he has never put a 23 yr old on BP drugs so he prefers I take a vacation. Yeah, to where? R is out of town for 6 weeks doing those current credit hour thingys you have to do to keep your Master's up to date so C is here all by herself with these girls AND having to work more hours. What am I going to do? Just up and tell her I need a vacation? In the meantime the girls are literally crawling the walls. Last time I wrote I was upset because I couldn't pee by myself, well, now I just don't pee cause they are just so crazy I'm scared to leave them for a second. K knocked her head right in front of me and bled like I've never seen anything bleed before. Scared the living you know what out of me and I was sitting there watching her. She was fine and then she wasn't. Furthermore, I took them to their 1yr appt and Q weighs a great deal less than she should and K doesn't weigh a whole heck of a lot more. They are both shoving food in as fast as possible so I don't think that's a problem. The dr said to just give them some time to catch up but I want to be DOING something ya know?

THEN...Since the girls are so insane I'm getting NO schoolwork done, it's due Aug 2nd and I'm so quickly running out of time it isn't even funny but in the meantime I'm essentially the sole caregiver for one year old twins...GREEEEAAAT. I can't imagine loving these girls anymore even if they were mine, but I swear it is impossible to do all of this. I just can't do it all. I have to drop a ball somewhere, which one is going to go?

I know, I know...

Yet again its been forever since my last post so before I get a call from my mom;) I think I'll write one. You can't blame me though. I feel like my life hasn't calmed down since I moved to this dumb state. I haven't opened a book since I came home from home. The girlies make me laugh constantly but they also make me cry cause they drive me absolutely crazy. They are all over the place. Now that they are mobile I can't pee by myself. Generally I have one in my lap and the other crying at my feet wanting to be held. School work is a foregone conclusion. I actually cried over toilet paper tonight. I'm exhausted by the time I get home, forget making dinner for myself let alone doing laundry from my trip. All I see in the future is this sea of screaming, needy babies. Don't get me wrong, I love those girls and I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything. It's just hard...REALLY hard. I know I'm not a mom and I'm not getting up with them at night etc etc etc but I do spend enough time with them to at least have an idea of how rough it can be.

OK now I'm just insane. I've been yelling at Bailey for a little over an hour now about barking. She isn't a barker so I was surprised she was doing it and I was getting up in her face about it and she was shaking so I felt awful about it but the thing I just realized is that she was barking at a mouse. My skin is crawling. I enlisted the guys from upstairs and they trapped it in a bucket and took it outside but Bailey and I are still grossed out. Sorry, that just ended the writing streak. I'm going to bed.

For my Mother...

My mom so kindly informed me that it had been ten days since I had posted...yeah hi mom and btw, I'm trying to take care of eleven month old twins AND go to grad school;)

The twins are getting so grown up! I looked at K the other day, I had dressed her in little baby jeans and one of those fashionable flowy spaghetti strap shirts. She looked like such a little toddler. She weighs a wopping 21 lbs while Q is still only 14.5 lbs. The three month old down the street has even hit 16. Sometimes I worry about my little Q, especially when I'm swimming in sweet potatoes she spit back at me. The pediatrician keeps telling me everything is fine, she was premature this is normal...ya ok. Q is also doing this screaming thing. Up until now they both go down just fine. You put them in their crib, gie them a passie and they just go to sleep well Q has started this thing that she'll go down just fine but 5 min later she starts screaming like she's hurt. The first few times I would run up the stairs in a total panic and find her just fine, holding herself up on the edge of the crib. If I pick her up she will promptly fall asleep on my shoulder but the same thing happens when I put her back down. I feel like I'm running this fine line. I don't want to leave her to scream but I don't want to teach her that if she keeps up the screaming I'm going to jump up and let her sleep on my shoulder.

They are both getting ridiculously active. Especially K. I realized something the other day. I was feeling bad about the amount of other things I would do when I was with them ie reading blogs. But then I decided that yes, I need to beware of the time I spend doing other things but I realized why I do it. When you are home alone with kids there is only so many times that you can play the pop-up game before you need a little adult conversation...or at least need to be reminded of the outside world. There isn't anything wrong with that as long as the kids are safe and it doesn't take up my whole day. There are moments I swear I'm going crazy and if I have to tell K not to bite Q one more time, something bad is going to happen.

School is going ok, the girls are so much more active now I don't really get any work done while I'm with them which means I'm up until all hours of the night trying to finish that 15 pg paper that I was supposed to have done a week ago but over all, all is well. I'm home for the week and I desperately miss the girls but I guess that will make me ready for 14 hour days when I get home..Yes 14 hour days. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself but we'll make it I'm sure.