Coming back to FL after a great visit home was really hard. I thought for sure after such a long visit I'd be ready to get back into my routine but I was miserable leaving and I've been bucking routine ever since I walked back through that door.
It doesn't help that I'm not enjoying my classes and I have I don't really like my practicum. I'm told that this is practicum and I just feel this way because I have to get used to it. I don't respond to that as well as one might like.
I have really intense clients and I love the challenges they present week in and week out but I'm not handling them the way I'm expected to by the program. I want to be ok with that. I want to say that this is my first semester with all these new things and of course I'm going to screw it up but that's what learning is for.....right? It's hard to remember that when I feel like such a failure after hearing my teams response to my therapy.
Unfortunately post-modern thought doesn't come as easily as modern thought does for me. I want it to and one day it will. I have to remind myself that Michael White, David Epston and Salvador Minuchin all sat in classes at one point and felt like a failure. It doesn't happen over night to anyone. We can't all be child prodigies or the idea woudn't exist to begin with. I guess I just wish my team were slightly more understanding of this theory.
I haven't gone out with friends since after my sister's wedding in October. My friends are taking me out to a much needed birthday dinner tomorrow night which I'm very excited about.
Something else I can hardly contain myself over??? My mom and sis are coming down for my sis' spring break! I know this is so cheesy but we've never been on vacation just the three of us and we will be together for a whole week with a beach made for post cards, just the three of us. Soon enough there will be babies and husbands and 'real' jobs in the way. I'm so excited for this and I can't wait to soak up every minute of it. I know it's dramatic but I realize more and more that the older we get the more things are in the way of just being together. I'm not being tragic, I don't expect any of us to die, more that this is our opportunity and when will we have it again? Maybe this will become the yearly tradition and every year I will be so excited to share the beach with my mom and sis but it's just as likely that this is a one time thing. I just can't even begin to tell you how thrilled it makes me to think about it.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Just can't sleep...
You know those nights where you just can't get your mind to stop? I think the emotions have kinda been building up this week and I let today get to me.
On Sunday I went back to the church I grew up in. I haven't walked through those doors in almost 12 years. I left a lot of skeletons there. I cried through the whole service, was kind of in a daze for a few hours after and then was just done with it. The thing is, I don't know why I was crying. I was kinda numb. I didn't feel anything but was crying anyway. Maybe I'm making it more of a deal than it should be. I've just never felt safe in church since I left there and I'm not sure I would ever be able to settle in there without advocating for myself but I don't know what that would look like. It doesn't matter now anyway. I think this has kinda been brewing in the back of my mind this week and thinking of going back for the next two weeks and Christmas Eve is not especially exciting. At the same time church has always been 'family time' and I'm not giving up on it either. Whatever.
So I've wanted this job for several months now and I had the interview today which either went extremely well or was a train wreck. I don't know. This is weighing on me though. It's over. There's nothing I can do about it now so I shouldn't stress but I'm SO anxious.
Then there's the guy I was pretty serious about that put some things up on FB that didn't give me warm fuzzies. It really has nothing to do with him or the fact that he has a crazy new girlfriend as much as he has a girlfriend and I'm alone. Let's then talk about the 250 people I grew up with that are now wandering around this town with spouse and child in tow. It's a constant and not so fun reminder. And, can I just say, if one more person says to me that I'm alone but I'm going to be a Dr and they aren't, I think I'll have a public temper tantrum including kicking, screaming and arm flailing. Contrary to popular belief, the two CAN, in fact, coexist. That's what rich men are for right?
I know none of it is really that big a deal, I think I just need to deal with it all and I'm not really sure how to do it at the moment. Jobs and loniliness have been a pretty constant stress recently. There's not anything I can do about either of them than what I'm already doing. I just have to wait and let God do what He's going to do with it. Regardless, it's hard for me to just walk away and forget it exsists in my life. I'm constantly obsessing. So these two things kinda come to a head today, I have to face them both while in the back of my mind I'm still trying to deal with the church thing. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Right now, I'm dealing with insomnia and venting...doesn't really get me very far. I just need to sleep. Things will be better in the morning. Xanax anyone?
On Sunday I went back to the church I grew up in. I haven't walked through those doors in almost 12 years. I left a lot of skeletons there. I cried through the whole service, was kind of in a daze for a few hours after and then was just done with it. The thing is, I don't know why I was crying. I was kinda numb. I didn't feel anything but was crying anyway. Maybe I'm making it more of a deal than it should be. I've just never felt safe in church since I left there and I'm not sure I would ever be able to settle in there without advocating for myself but I don't know what that would look like. It doesn't matter now anyway. I think this has kinda been brewing in the back of my mind this week and thinking of going back for the next two weeks and Christmas Eve is not especially exciting. At the same time church has always been 'family time' and I'm not giving up on it either. Whatever.
So I've wanted this job for several months now and I had the interview today which either went extremely well or was a train wreck. I don't know. This is weighing on me though. It's over. There's nothing I can do about it now so I shouldn't stress but I'm SO anxious.
Then there's the guy I was pretty serious about that put some things up on FB that didn't give me warm fuzzies. It really has nothing to do with him or the fact that he has a crazy new girlfriend as much as he has a girlfriend and I'm alone. Let's then talk about the 250 people I grew up with that are now wandering around this town with spouse and child in tow. It's a constant and not so fun reminder. And, can I just say, if one more person says to me that I'm alone but I'm going to be a Dr and they aren't, I think I'll have a public temper tantrum including kicking, screaming and arm flailing. Contrary to popular belief, the two CAN, in fact, coexist. That's what rich men are for right?
I know none of it is really that big a deal, I think I just need to deal with it all and I'm not really sure how to do it at the moment. Jobs and loniliness have been a pretty constant stress recently. There's not anything I can do about either of them than what I'm already doing. I just have to wait and let God do what He's going to do with it. Regardless, it's hard for me to just walk away and forget it exsists in my life. I'm constantly obsessing. So these two things kinda come to a head today, I have to face them both while in the back of my mind I'm still trying to deal with the church thing. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Right now, I'm dealing with insomnia and venting...doesn't really get me very far. I just need to sleep. Things will be better in the morning. Xanax anyone?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
OK, Maybe not
As the count of mistresses coming out of the woodwork, claiming to have slept with Tiger rises, I have to say what I said in my last post is less than accurate. I still stand by what I said, I believe that to be true. I just don't think it applies to Tiger in any way, shape or form. I think we're at 15 now but I'm not completely sure. Regardless, this is not a man who made one mistake and is trying to move on, this is a man that continuously sought out affairs over the last several years. He is obviously not the man that anyone believed him to be.
So this 'vacation' hasn't gone as I expected it would. I thought I would have a significant amount of time to study and pull things together to get ready for licensing exams and school next semester. There actually hasn't been a lot of time for that. It's really been one thing after another. I have really enjoyed being home. It makes me realize how much I miss it which isn't so great cause I was miserable before.
I think I 'rediscovered' my best friend the few days before I left. It was really nice actually. I think that will help. I met him 9 years ago this month and started visiting him in FL soon after. His house is familiar and more comforting than I expected it to be. I was actually really surprised at how safe and comforting it felt to be there. I guess its that I know it. It's really the only place in FL that I knew previous to moving.
I know that sometime soon FL will feel more like home. Part of me looks forward to that cause I desperately want a place where I feel I belong. On the other hand, it will never be home and I don't really want to ever feel that FL is home. I guess this isn't the best situation to be in or put myself in really. I'm not really sure what to do about it though. I guess just let it slide.
Whatever the case may be, it's just a few years. I can get through it.
So this 'vacation' hasn't gone as I expected it would. I thought I would have a significant amount of time to study and pull things together to get ready for licensing exams and school next semester. There actually hasn't been a lot of time for that. It's really been one thing after another. I have really enjoyed being home. It makes me realize how much I miss it which isn't so great cause I was miserable before.
I think I 'rediscovered' my best friend the few days before I left. It was really nice actually. I think that will help. I met him 9 years ago this month and started visiting him in FL soon after. His house is familiar and more comforting than I expected it to be. I was actually really surprised at how safe and comforting it felt to be there. I guess its that I know it. It's really the only place in FL that I knew previous to moving.
I know that sometime soon FL will feel more like home. Part of me looks forward to that cause I desperately want a place where I feel I belong. On the other hand, it will never be home and I don't really want to ever feel that FL is home. I guess this isn't the best situation to be in or put myself in really. I'm not really sure what to do about it though. I guess just let it slide.
Whatever the case may be, it's just a few years. I can get through it.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tiger vs Elin
If you found out your spouse were having an affair, would you beat his car with a golf club?
I think I'm more of a passive aggressor than the golf club swinging type. One expects stories like these to come out about the less than virtuous celebrities but this one was a shock to me. Call me naive, overly trusting, or just plain stupid but I still want to believe that good man *DO* exist. Tiger puts on a good show, on the course and now apparently, off as well. One of my favorite marriage and family therapy books is about how good people have affairs and "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not necessarily as tried and true as one might think. Sometimes people make mistakes and find themselves in a place they never expected or wanted. I'm not condoning this in any way, shape, or form but I'm reading a lot about how terrible men are in light of this story. I have to say I still have hope, it's depleting, but hope none the less.
In no way am I suggesting this is OK or that I wouldn't be angry enough to destroy a car with a golf club but I think my view on this matter is different than most. I won't take all day to explain it but mistakes are forgivable.
Maybe I should shine a light on my current predicament. I just came home from spending a week camping with my recently wed sister and my newly empty nesting parents. Fifth wheel does not even express a tenth of what that meant to me. I'm certainly not desperate and I believe my recent dating habits would be proof of that, but I am desperately yearning for something more. I sit here thinking, I am way over my head in ten things and just overall life in general. What I wouldn't give to have support and someone to corroborate with and lean on. I don't need help. I'm a big girl and I've been doing it on my own for a while. It would just be nice to have someone there. I'm totally over this "single life is cool" phase. I'm also not in a place where I want to settle just so these needs are met. I want something real.
Four years of classes on marriage make me smart enough to know that no relationship is perfect. I can sit here all day long and piously declare I'll never have an affair but I'm not perfect. I can mostly guarantee that I won't have an affair but I can also mostly guarantee I'll make some other huge mistake over the course of my marriage. That doesn't make any of it ok by any means but I think there is a difference between a man who has a rocky marriage and strays unintentionally and one that repeatedly, without fail, searches for extramarital affairs.
Now, I'm not 'in' on what really happened between Tiger and Elin but what if Tiger Woods is a man that made one mistake and is desperately trying to rectify it for the sake of his family? What if we the public, are denying him his right to privacy and in the process annihilating any chance of redemption? I know there are plenty of arguments to go along with that starting with, they live in the public eye, but really, does that make it ok? I don't think it does. I think he has a right to ask that his privacy be respected and I think it should be. I don't think it will be, but I'm just one person and can't do anything about that.
At the end of the day, I've been watching Tiger for the past few years and haven't seen much questionable behavior. Can't we forgive him just this once? I promise, he does it again and I'll string him up, right along with the rest of you.
I think I'm more of a passive aggressor than the golf club swinging type. One expects stories like these to come out about the less than virtuous celebrities but this one was a shock to me. Call me naive, overly trusting, or just plain stupid but I still want to believe that good man *DO* exist. Tiger puts on a good show, on the course and now apparently, off as well. One of my favorite marriage and family therapy books is about how good people have affairs and "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not necessarily as tried and true as one might think. Sometimes people make mistakes and find themselves in a place they never expected or wanted. I'm not condoning this in any way, shape, or form but I'm reading a lot about how terrible men are in light of this story. I have to say I still have hope, it's depleting, but hope none the less.
In no way am I suggesting this is OK or that I wouldn't be angry enough to destroy a car with a golf club but I think my view on this matter is different than most. I won't take all day to explain it but mistakes are forgivable.
Maybe I should shine a light on my current predicament. I just came home from spending a week camping with my recently wed sister and my newly empty nesting parents. Fifth wheel does not even express a tenth of what that meant to me. I'm certainly not desperate and I believe my recent dating habits would be proof of that, but I am desperately yearning for something more. I sit here thinking, I am way over my head in ten things and just overall life in general. What I wouldn't give to have support and someone to corroborate with and lean on. I don't need help. I'm a big girl and I've been doing it on my own for a while. It would just be nice to have someone there. I'm totally over this "single life is cool" phase. I'm also not in a place where I want to settle just so these needs are met. I want something real.
Four years of classes on marriage make me smart enough to know that no relationship is perfect. I can sit here all day long and piously declare I'll never have an affair but I'm not perfect. I can mostly guarantee that I won't have an affair but I can also mostly guarantee I'll make some other huge mistake over the course of my marriage. That doesn't make any of it ok by any means but I think there is a difference between a man who has a rocky marriage and strays unintentionally and one that repeatedly, without fail, searches for extramarital affairs.
Now, I'm not 'in' on what really happened between Tiger and Elin but what if Tiger Woods is a man that made one mistake and is desperately trying to rectify it for the sake of his family? What if we the public, are denying him his right to privacy and in the process annihilating any chance of redemption? I know there are plenty of arguments to go along with that starting with, they live in the public eye, but really, does that make it ok? I don't think it does. I think he has a right to ask that his privacy be respected and I think it should be. I don't think it will be, but I'm just one person and can't do anything about that.
At the end of the day, I've been watching Tiger for the past few years and haven't seen much questionable behavior. Can't we forgive him just this once? I promise, he does it again and I'll string him up, right along with the rest of you.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
It's over!
I can't believe I have made it through my first semester as a Ph.D student. It's so weird. I don't think I ever worried that I wouldn't make it I guess it's just surreal, a couple years from now I'll be a Dr....Holy crap! I have had it in my head for years that this is what I wanted to do and I just kept going. I don't think it ever really set in that I got here. It still blows my mind.
I'm determined that FL is going to be better. I feel like once I get a job and get back on my feet I will be happier here. I know it sounds strange but I'm kinda sad I'm leaving for five weeks. I can't wait to be home and it doesn't make sense to go there for Thanksgiving, come back and go back for Christmas when there isnt' a job or school to come back for. I want to be at home. I guess I'm also trying to get used to things here so it kinda feels weird to leave for so long.
I'm looking forward to coming back to a new start with financial aid all worked out and a job school will seem so much more manageable. I'm looking forward to getting back. Brian is coming for New Years so that will help with the transition back here from being home so long. I'll get there.
I'm determined that FL is going to be better. I feel like once I get a job and get back on my feet I will be happier here. I know it sounds strange but I'm kinda sad I'm leaving for five weeks. I can't wait to be home and it doesn't make sense to go there for Thanksgiving, come back and go back for Christmas when there isnt' a job or school to come back for. I want to be at home. I guess I'm also trying to get used to things here so it kinda feels weird to leave for so long.
I'm looking forward to coming back to a new start with financial aid all worked out and a job school will seem so much more manageable. I'm looking forward to getting back. Brian is coming for New Years so that will help with the transition back here from being home so long. I'll get there.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Wow, One day this will be funny...
A few weeks ago I had a dead battery. I called AAA, a fabulous man who grew up near my hometown came out, jumped me and cleaned the corosion. I felt it was too expensive to have him replace my battery for $120 when I could go to Wal Mart and get the same battery for $70. Hindsight being 20/20 I would have had my AAA saviour give me the battery.
Over the last few days I've noticed a couple little things, nothing mind blowing, just "huh, that's interesting." So yesterday I called my AAA man and said "hey dude, you said you'd come back and replace my clamp, today good?" He came by, did his thing, and in passing I mentioned my observations. He said, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. OK so today when I was in rush hour traffic in the middle lane of a major intersection and my car wouldn't move...should I think about fixing it? Well, as most single girls my age living out of town the first thing I did was call my Daddy because of course he can do something about it from over 1,000 miles away. When he didn't answer I called my AAA man. Ten minutes later, after three good samaritans pushed my car out of the intersection, my prince in AAA uniform arrived.
Of course the car starts right up for him but then shuts right back down for me. AAA man takes me to the shop where the AAA trucks are maintenanced and tells them to take good care of me...oh great I'm all set, I sit back, get the wireless access code and play on FB...three hours, $275 later, I'm driving down the street to the next not so major intersection where I have deja vu. I walk my fat ass back to the AAA place and they go back and get my car. OK, back to FB. Well an hour and a half later Mr Big Wig AAA man goes for a test drive. 45 min later I'm thinking this is a pretty intense test drive when Mr AAA gopher man comes and says my car broke down, it's at another automotive place he's taking me to it. At this point I'm slightly concerned tell him I need to use the restroom and then I'm ready....Ok I'm done, go to wash my hands and knew it was going to happen, whatched it and couldn't move fast enough oh...oh...faster, grap it...missed. Cell phone in the toilet. Me, the brilliant human being that I am goes and gets it because of course you have to give it to the verizon man when you ask for your replacement because you did have forsight to insure the phone.
I get to the next place who is looking at my car. He says he's keeping the car for a few days....fifteen thoughts go through my head while I, of course, immediately commence hiccupping sobs I try desperatly to hide...in vain of course.
1. I have no phone
2. even if I had a phone who would I call to get me
3. I have no phone
4. I just moved here and have no numbers memorized for people who could even possibly come get me
5. I'm driving to CLT in a couple days
6. I have no phone
7. Where's my Daddy?
8. I just spent $275, how much you going to charge me?
9. How many days till I get to move out of this God-forsaken-hell -hole?
10. how am I getting to Verizon to get my new phone, old one soaking toilet water through my jeans pocket, and then home?
11. When am I going to finally feel like I'm not drowning with no hope of a life jacket?
12. Can my Daddy move to FLA and do this stuff for me?
13. I want to call my Mommy.
14. I have no phone
15. I don't even know where to start
After much deliberation I hack numbers off FB and start tracking down numbers through the assistant's phone who just btw was satan's mistress. My wonderful and amazing new best friend forever drived (ok so I meant drove here, cut me some slack, it's been a bad day) the 30 miles to come get me. 20 miles into this trip I was told problem solved give him 10 minutes. Call friend back, visit Hooters for the first time for a drink...go back just a little happier.
So I get back and he tells me he's charging me $140 which, he says is a great deal and oh, btw, it's all Wal Mart's fault. Apparently when I was saving myself $50 by going to Wal Mart, the lovlies at Wal Mart forgot to connect the battery and computer meaning the computer was running on memory and ran out. They of course took 8 hours to find this because you would never expect such a significant wire to be disconnected. Oh and you have to take the battery and engine apart to see it. Moral of the story: Don't go to Wal Mart, pay the wonderful AAA guy the extra $50, I promise, the following $400 is certainly not worth it.
PS Did you know that when you drop a phone in the toilet they send it in the mail instead of giving it to you? In this day and age of no land lines this can leave a person without communication for an untold period of time....just a thought.
Over the last few days I've noticed a couple little things, nothing mind blowing, just "huh, that's interesting." So yesterday I called my AAA man and said "hey dude, you said you'd come back and replace my clamp, today good?" He came by, did his thing, and in passing I mentioned my observations. He said, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. OK so today when I was in rush hour traffic in the middle lane of a major intersection and my car wouldn't move...should I think about fixing it? Well, as most single girls my age living out of town the first thing I did was call my Daddy because of course he can do something about it from over 1,000 miles away. When he didn't answer I called my AAA man. Ten minutes later, after three good samaritans pushed my car out of the intersection, my prince in AAA uniform arrived.
Of course the car starts right up for him but then shuts right back down for me. AAA man takes me to the shop where the AAA trucks are maintenanced and tells them to take good care of me...oh great I'm all set, I sit back, get the wireless access code and play on FB...three hours, $275 later, I'm driving down the street to the next not so major intersection where I have deja vu. I walk my fat ass back to the AAA place and they go back and get my car. OK, back to FB. Well an hour and a half later Mr Big Wig AAA man goes for a test drive. 45 min later I'm thinking this is a pretty intense test drive when Mr AAA gopher man comes and says my car broke down, it's at another automotive place he's taking me to it. At this point I'm slightly concerned tell him I need to use the restroom and then I'm ready....Ok I'm done, go to wash my hands and knew it was going to happen, whatched it and couldn't move fast enough oh...oh...faster, grap it...missed. Cell phone in the toilet. Me, the brilliant human being that I am goes and gets it because of course you have to give it to the verizon man when you ask for your replacement because you did have forsight to insure the phone.
I get to the next place who is looking at my car. He says he's keeping the car for a few days....fifteen thoughts go through my head while I, of course, immediately commence hiccupping sobs I try desperatly to hide...in vain of course.
1. I have no phone
2. even if I had a phone who would I call to get me
3. I have no phone
4. I just moved here and have no numbers memorized for people who could even possibly come get me
5. I'm driving to CLT in a couple days
6. I have no phone
7. Where's my Daddy?
8. I just spent $275, how much you going to charge me?
9. How many days till I get to move out of this God-forsaken-hell -hole?
10. how am I getting to Verizon to get my new phone, old one soaking toilet water through my jeans pocket, and then home?
11. When am I going to finally feel like I'm not drowning with no hope of a life jacket?
12. Can my Daddy move to FLA and do this stuff for me?
13. I want to call my Mommy.
14. I have no phone
15. I don't even know where to start
After much deliberation I hack numbers off FB and start tracking down numbers through the assistant's phone who just btw was satan's mistress. My wonderful and amazing new best friend forever drived (ok so I meant drove here, cut me some slack, it's been a bad day) the 30 miles to come get me. 20 miles into this trip I was told problem solved give him 10 minutes. Call friend back, visit Hooters for the first time for a drink...go back just a little happier.
So I get back and he tells me he's charging me $140 which, he says is a great deal and oh, btw, it's all Wal Mart's fault. Apparently when I was saving myself $50 by going to Wal Mart, the lovlies at Wal Mart forgot to connect the battery and computer meaning the computer was running on memory and ran out. They of course took 8 hours to find this because you would never expect such a significant wire to be disconnected. Oh and you have to take the battery and engine apart to see it. Moral of the story: Don't go to Wal Mart, pay the wonderful AAA guy the extra $50, I promise, the following $400 is certainly not worth it.
PS Did you know that when you drop a phone in the toilet they send it in the mail instead of giving it to you? In this day and age of no land lines this can leave a person without communication for an untold period of time....just a thought.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
What's Missing?
I feel like I'm on the train in the book The Little Engine That Could, I keep chugging along, clearing everything on my track no matter how daunting it is. It seems that just as soon as I clear something, something else arises. Even the little engine that could gets tired after a while. When I first moved here things were really hard because it's new and I missed Boston home and Charlotte home and Fort Lauderdale is not, nor will it ever be, home. I left behind incredible parents and friends in both cities that are irreplaceable. More and more I realize what an unwavering constant Brian was in my life. He was there for it all and made the transition to Boston livable. There's no transition here, I feel I have no where to fall. Being single was pretty cool at first. I did my own thing, didn't have to consider someone else and got to be selfish for a while. Now that its been a year, its not fun and I realize I like having someone else to think about. This week has been interesting, I haven't really slept. The bed seems so empty which is strange because it's never been full.
You know what's the kicker? I don't know if I even want anyone right now. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I desperately want someone else to think of but it's hard to fit much of anything in my life right now. I don't even know how I'm going to work let alone find time to devote to someone else. I know that's so contradictory.
Maybe that's what I just tell myself to take away the sting. If I've heard my mom once I've heard her 2 million times that I'm right where God wants me to be. I likely wouldn't be in school now if I were married, I get that, I do, its not any less lonely. I just think maybe since I've weeded through a lot of interesting characters God is going to reward me with someone amazing, if I can only be patient enough to see it.
I wander around here feeling like something is missing. I go to school...check. I don't have a job but I'm looking...check. Finding FLL friends...check. What isn't there? Could it be that even after a year I feel a hole where a man used to be? Does part of me feel like that's missing? Consciously I don't feel that way. In my head I know this is where I want to be and if a man comes along great (ya, ok, that's a little less desperate than I really am but whatever.) Reality is that if I came across that one man that was passionate about what I'm passionate about and as dedicated to me as I want to be to him, there wouldn't be a problem. Maybe it's selfish but I don't want to be second to a job anymore, I don't want to struggle anymore. I know relationships are tough and maybe this is idealistic but there's someone out there who is going to put me before a job that I don't have to stuggle with everyday who is going to work with me instead of against me when times get tough. He's going to think I'm' cute even when I'm emotional and unreasonable. He will be my missing piece. He's out there and I'm going to find him.
You know what's the kicker? I don't know if I even want anyone right now. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I desperately want someone else to think of but it's hard to fit much of anything in my life right now. I don't even know how I'm going to work let alone find time to devote to someone else. I know that's so contradictory.
Maybe that's what I just tell myself to take away the sting. If I've heard my mom once I've heard her 2 million times that I'm right where God wants me to be. I likely wouldn't be in school now if I were married, I get that, I do, its not any less lonely. I just think maybe since I've weeded through a lot of interesting characters God is going to reward me with someone amazing, if I can only be patient enough to see it.
I wander around here feeling like something is missing. I go to school...check. I don't have a job but I'm looking...check. Finding FLL friends...check. What isn't there? Could it be that even after a year I feel a hole where a man used to be? Does part of me feel like that's missing? Consciously I don't feel that way. In my head I know this is where I want to be and if a man comes along great (ya, ok, that's a little less desperate than I really am but whatever.) Reality is that if I came across that one man that was passionate about what I'm passionate about and as dedicated to me as I want to be to him, there wouldn't be a problem. Maybe it's selfish but I don't want to be second to a job anymore, I don't want to struggle anymore. I know relationships are tough and maybe this is idealistic but there's someone out there who is going to put me before a job that I don't have to stuggle with everyday who is going to work with me instead of against me when times get tough. He's going to think I'm' cute even when I'm emotional and unreasonable. He will be my missing piece. He's out there and I'm going to find him.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
18 months is a little over the top...
OK, so I make no promises here. I do really enjoy writing in a blog but somehow I just never get to it.
I live in Ft Luderdale now. I'm going to school for my Ph.D in marriage and family therapy. I look back on the posts and how rough I thought the Masters program was...HA! But I made it through that with flying colors and I'm going to do the same here.
It's beyond incredibly difficult to live without my family. When I moved to Boston I had Brian and my 'northern parents,' here I have no one. Its so hard. I have made friends, some really great people. It just takes time before those relationships develop into something that suffices for family. I think this place has a lot of potential. How could it not? I live 20 minutes from a beach perfectly suitable for postcards that I can visit all year around. My apartment is incredible and I love my school.
I'm going to Nova Southeastern University. It has a very different approach to therapy. Honestly, at first I really wasn't all that aware of that but luckily I'm a 'very different approach to therapy' kinda girl. Its overwhelming at times, especially when I think of having to add a job to all of it. I've been looking for a job here for quite some time with no avail. Even without a job sometimes the work doesn't get done to the best of my ability due to time constraint. Often I think part of that time constraint is ADHD but what are you gonna do?;)
I am hoping to have my first visitor next weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. It gets pretty lonely up on the 8th floor, all by myself. I wouldn't change it. I really am enjoying living alone. It's nice but lonely at the same time. If I had a fabulous friend 10 minutes away I could drop in on it would be perfect. Let's hope for that.
OK so like I said, I make no promises but I'm really going to try to make this a more frequent thing. I think it would be good for me.
I live in Ft Luderdale now. I'm going to school for my Ph.D in marriage and family therapy. I look back on the posts and how rough I thought the Masters program was...HA! But I made it through that with flying colors and I'm going to do the same here.
It's beyond incredibly difficult to live without my family. When I moved to Boston I had Brian and my 'northern parents,' here I have no one. Its so hard. I have made friends, some really great people. It just takes time before those relationships develop into something that suffices for family. I think this place has a lot of potential. How could it not? I live 20 minutes from a beach perfectly suitable for postcards that I can visit all year around. My apartment is incredible and I love my school.
I'm going to Nova Southeastern University. It has a very different approach to therapy. Honestly, at first I really wasn't all that aware of that but luckily I'm a 'very different approach to therapy' kinda girl. Its overwhelming at times, especially when I think of having to add a job to all of it. I've been looking for a job here for quite some time with no avail. Even without a job sometimes the work doesn't get done to the best of my ability due to time constraint. Often I think part of that time constraint is ADHD but what are you gonna do?;)
I am hoping to have my first visitor next weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. It gets pretty lonely up on the 8th floor, all by myself. I wouldn't change it. I really am enjoying living alone. It's nice but lonely at the same time. If I had a fabulous friend 10 minutes away I could drop in on it would be perfect. Let's hope for that.
OK so like I said, I make no promises but I'm really going to try to make this a more frequent thing. I think it would be good for me.
Monday, April 28, 2008
गेत्तिंग टू थे एंड
Well I'm getting to the end here and I'm feeling better and better. I am finished with everything except for this one paper. It's a 15 page APA research article. I know I could sit down and just do it but I'm dragging. I just need to do it. I'm ready for a break. But my head has already started the break which is a problem. I started a book and I'm already 3/4 done with it and it feels SOOOO good. I am addicted to my iPod. I listen to books on it. I bought the James Patterson women's murder club series but I already had the 4th book so I listened to the first three and the series is so good that I just had to start the book. I went to start it over a month ago so I can't even tell you how good it feels!
The only thing that sucks at the moment is that I don't like being a grown up. This time that school is out I still have to work. Usually when I get to a break in school I just veg for a few days and feel 100x's better and am recharged. I'm not sure how to go about getting recharged this time. I'm going to have to learn but I'm excited about the break either way!
The next hill I have to climb is Weight Watchers. I'm really struggling here. I don't even know how to begin to put this issue into words and furthermore it's a little embarrassing to talk about. I think I'm going to use my time outside school to try to get this more under control. I bought fat pants for my fat pants the other day and I just wanted to curl up inside myself and die. I will have to gain control over this!
The only thing that sucks at the moment is that I don't like being a grown up. This time that school is out I still have to work. Usually when I get to a break in school I just veg for a few days and feel 100x's better and am recharged. I'm not sure how to go about getting recharged this time. I'm going to have to learn but I'm excited about the break either way!
The next hill I have to climb is Weight Watchers. I'm really struggling here. I don't even know how to begin to put this issue into words and furthermore it's a little embarrassing to talk about. I think I'm going to use my time outside school to try to get this more under control. I bought fat pants for my fat pants the other day and I just wanted to curl up inside myself and die. I will have to gain control over this!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
गेत्तिंग तेरे...
OK, so seriously. If anyone knows how to fix the title please leave a comment!
Things are still stressing me out compeletely, more now than last time I posted but I know that it is because it is the end of the semester. This is just how the last of the semester feels.
Other than that I'm in a pretty good place. I'm housesitting so I have a whole house to myself other than the two cutest most needy puppies ever, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do still have a couple cases that are grating on me but otherwise I have settled into a good place with cases too. I wish I could post more about my cases, vent more about them you know? Legally I would never get my liscence if I did that but it is so hard starting out and not being able to vent to anyone about it. My cases aren't that bad really. It is just that I am new with these things and I can't process this as well as the next person with 20 years of experience. Experience is what I need and experience takes time.
Things are still stressing me out compeletely, more now than last time I posted but I know that it is because it is the end of the semester. This is just how the last of the semester feels.
Other than that I'm in a pretty good place. I'm housesitting so I have a whole house to myself other than the two cutest most needy puppies ever, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I do still have a couple cases that are grating on me but otherwise I have settled into a good place with cases too. I wish I could post more about my cases, vent more about them you know? Legally I would never get my liscence if I did that but it is so hard starting out and not being able to vent to anyone about it. My cases aren't that bad really. It is just that I am new with these things and I can't process this as well as the next person with 20 years of experience. Experience is what I need and experience takes time.
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